2012 is bringing changes!

A tearful conversation with my mom about my recent emotions, as well as a candid one with my hubby, brought about a lot of thoughts on how I can feel better. I spoke to both of them openly about how hurt I had been by a couple of people I thought were friends. I can see very clearly they are not anymore, and was struggling with that. I was also struggling very deeply with mixed feeling after being cleared by my dr. Finding out my cancer was gone was really a shock to my system and I haven't been coping as one would expect to such amazing, life altering news.

A couple of weeks have passed and I am not the big weepy mess of confusion I last wrote about anymore, but rather I am inspired to feel better by being better. Basically I am going to push down the negative thoughts and feelings and immerse myself in my ability to see the positive in any situation.

I don't do resolutions but I decided after these conversations that this is what I will strive for this year.

• I will no longer let bullies make me feel bad. I'll kill 'em with kindness instead. 
• I will stop worrying about how other people feel about me and learn to love myself again.
• I will think of 5 things that make me smile every time I feel negative thoughts bubbling up  
• I will push myself to see the good in every situation, no matter how tough it is.
• I will allow myself to move past my illness.
• I will begin making small steps to get out of my house more often, and work through the anxiety.
• I will make myself a household binder to get myself on track and on a schedule.
• I will continue being the best mom I can be and work towards being a less dependent wife.
• I will actively work on my blogging and keep current.
• I will make a plan on how to achieve my writing dreams and create a timeline to motivate me.
• I will put positivity out in order to see it return to me.

It's a list in progress as I am sure I will be adding things as my mind races with thoughts on self improvement. Even though it's only been a couple weeks I have let a lot of negative things go. Like friendships that have clearly faded. I'm finally OK with that. I spent a lot of time pondering what I may have done wrong but now I know in my heart that it really doesn't matter. Those people have shown themselves and my true friends are still right here with me through thick and thin they are the ones who deserve my focus.

Life has been much sweeter these past two weeks, and I know it's only going to get better as I work to find a new, post cancer, normal.

Shouldn't I be happy?

I can't sleep. I feel ashamed of myself. I'm hurting emotionally and I have no reason to be.

I know that the fact that I am cancer free is still fresh news, but I think I should feel happy. But I don't. I feel everything but happy. I feel sad, scared, depressed, anxious, and angry. Everything BUT happy. 

WTF is wrong with me? Am I broken? Who finds out their battle with cancer is finally over and spends 4 solid days crying? Me. Why? No idea.

I have kept this emotional upheaval a secret from everyone but then my mom called me and I completely fell apart on the phone. Granted there were other factors involved that had me feeling a bit emotional, but for the most part it was all over my confusion from being cancer free. I bawled while I talked to my mom, and she didn't sound the least bit surprised that I was feeling this way. She was very kind and supportive of me, explaining that it was going to take time to sink in. 

All I know is I feel horrible for not being anything but happy. I'll talk to my therapist about it and see if I'm normal or not. 

The honest truth is that I just don't know what to do now. How do I move forward? Cancer has consumed my life, my calendar, my medicine cabinet and so much more, and now it's just gone. So what now?

Depression

For years I kept all my issues to myself. Always remaining tight lipped and bottled up. I talked with no one but my husband. One thing I have learned from having cancer is that it's ok to need help. Now more than ever I believe that knowing other people have walked your shoes and survived is very helpful. So many women have helped me though my struggles by sharing their stories with me. Whether it was Postpartum Depression/anxiety or cancer related. Every single person who has poured their heart out to me has helped me.

I suffer from depression and severe anxiety. 

Every. Single. Day. 

It all started after my Daughter "Roo" was born. In February 2008 the nurse called to come for a visit. "Sure thing! Come on over!" My husband was still home with me, having taken a month off to help me after a very difficult c-section. I remember greeting the nurse and welcoming her into my immaculate home. I had stayed up ALL night cleaning and making sure things were acceptable for her scrutiny. I was exhausted, and felt miserable but I knew it would pass so I plastered a big dreamy "I-love-my-life smile onto my heavily made up face. She sat with us, asking questions about the baby and her routines, and how my delivery was along with how I was healing. I spoke honestly about that stuff but everything else was a lie. When she asked if I felt down, I said no. When she asked if I was sleeping I said yes. When she asked if I had any unusual thoughts or feelings I said no. Then she moved to my husband and explained to him, not to me, what PPD was and what to look for. In other words she gave me the cliff notes version of what to keep hidden from everyone so they wouldn't know something was very wrong with me. Then she smiled, said everything looks wonderful, wished us well with our newly expanded family and went on her way leaving little more than a card behind. 

Months went by and I remembered every little detail she told my husband to watch for, and those were the things I stifled. If I needed to cry I went for a shower so I could cry without glaring eyes. If I was feeling anxious over unfinished housework I would lie in bed breathing slowly and quietly until I knew the rest of the house was asleep then I would get back up and take care of it keeping a watchful eye on the time so I could make sure to get back into bed no less that 30 minutes before the alarm was to go off. In my heart I knew a good mom can get all the housework laundry etc done AND be an involved and active parent who plays with their child, goes for walks, and attends mommy & baby classes and regular playgroup dates. So that's what I did. I played perfect mom during the day, and stayed up at night doing the chores. I rarely slept and that was ok, because I was honestly scared that "they" would take my kids away if I wasn't doing everything right. 

Eventually I began having a hard time holding it all together. I can remember standing at the door, baby upstairs screaming and I was begging my husband to please just stay home. He brushed me off saying he needed to make money and couldn't stay home. He walked out the door and I crumpled to the floor sobbing. I sat there for hours before I realized that if I left the baby crying any longer the neighbors would call "someone" and "they" would take her away from me. 

It got so bad that after living like this and hiding what was wrong for 8 months I had an emotional break. I totally lost it. After all was said and done I took to my local mommies forum and wrote this anonymously:

Hello- I have been feeling very out of sorts lately and I don't know what to do.
I am a wife and mom 2 two kids. THey are the bright spot in an otherwise bleak day. My infant cries non stop and I can't even step into the kitchen to get a drink without ear piercing sobs. I cuddle my baby and spend lots of time playing and singing etc but by the time DH gets home I really need a break from it and I ask nicely for a few minutes to myself to get dinner made in peace. My problem is that until recently I have been keeping up this front and faking that I am great when the truth is I am far from it. I am stressed out about so many things that I don't know what the biggest issue is anymore.
My home life is horrible because of outside contributing issues from other family members. (My husband and kids are wonderful and I love them so much!)
Money is tight and I am scared of not making my payments.
I never get a good nights sleep and I am constantly do everything while I get no offers of help. Example: last week I broke down and asked DH if he could bathe the baby and he asked why I hadn't done it earlier that day. I was super busy with groceries and the baby and dinner and housework so I thought it could wait until DH was home. I begged him to just give me a break. I didn't have the energy to di ti myself and I wouldn't have enough time in the morning to do it. He said no problem he'd take care of it. I went out for a walk with a friend for 1 hour (stopped at the store for lunch things at DH's request while walking). When I got back I watched tv for a bit then headed to bed. I asked Dh ihow her bath was, he said he didn't get to it. I was so angry I went to bed and quietly cried out of hurt and frustration.
A week of the same thing goes by, yesterday the baby refused to eat anything all day this led to a trip to the clinic to be sure all is fine. I am in there for over 2 hours. The baby screamed the whole time. I was litterally at my witts end. When DH got home from work I broke down in tears and begged him to help me. I explained that I feel like I am drowning and no one is there to help me. I even said that if he didn't start helping me more then he would ge tthe opportunity to see what its like to do it all himself, because I was ready to take a knife to my wrist. GASP!!! yes I said it, I really didn't mean it but I needed him to get it. I don't know whay I said it but out it flew.  Then all of the sudden I couldn't breathe and I was having extreme pain in my chest this went on for about 20 minutes, I was close to going to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. 
I am normally very composed and "together". But the facade is begining to crack.
I booked an apointment with my dr. but she can't seem me for a couple of weeks. I know most of my problems are common but I was always able to deal with them, but now they seems so much worse and harder for me to cope with.

I just don't know what to do to get back to the old me.

I had had my first major panic attack. I truly thought I was dying and that the world was closing in on me. I am very blessed to have had an amazing woman reach out to me to suggest that it could be PPD, and either way she would love for me to come to a meeting that she was running for moms struggling after having a baby. I went twice, sat in my car scared to face and admit what I had known all along. I was sick, severely broken. I never even got out of my car those first 2 times. I drove straight back home. The 3rd time I got to the door and was about to turn back for my car when the door pulled open, and a woman was standing there. She knew right away who I was an hugged me long and hard. I just stayed in her arms crying for what seemed like forever. It was instantly comfortable. I didn't speak much at the first meeting but I heard storied from the other women, some were like me and others were very different. But we all had the same thing in common, something changed in us after our child was born. I attended those meeting for a very long time. So long that I felt funny going because my DD was over a year old. They helped me through Dr's appointments, medication change after medication change and all the does increases that went along with them. They were my strength when I had none of my own.

Eventually I found the medication that made me feel closest to my old self and was doing much better for about 6 weeks. Then in June 2009 I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer, sending me back into a spiraling mess.

My life has never been the same. What has changed was the diagnosis, after 2 years with the PPD/PPA label, my diagnosis was changed to generalized depression and severe anxiety. Along with that came visits to a therapist and psychiatrist to help me to worth through old unresolved issues, and to learn my triggers and some coping mechanisms, and I'm on the edge of a new diagnosis. I still struggle, I still feel like much of my life is under a blanket of fog but thanks to one person reaching out to me way back then I was able to connect with other people suffering like I was and the world seems a little smaller, and I felt a little bit less alone in my struggles.

In light of the rash of suicides I want to urge you to be proactive with your friends and family and even people you may not know well. Many people suffer in silence, walking around with a big smile and lots of happy words when they are deeply hurting. If something seems wrong it probably is. Please take a moment and offer your help. YOU could be the one voice that saves a life in crisis.

Where I'm at

As you may have read in the last post I've been having some medical issues lately. To be specific I have bleeding for 2.5 months now. It began like every other period, only it didn't end when it should have, it just kept going and going, getting heavier and more brutal to the point I was hemorrhaging. The blood was thin, almost like water, and I was soaking through tampons in 20 minutes. I have had a terrible backache that just won't go away and had been hospitalized on Easter for a severely swollen left leg. Finally I went to my Dr. to describe all the issues, he sent me for tests. Luckily the bleeding had stopped by last Thursday, just in time for me to do the blood work. Monday I went for ultrasounds including a trans vaginal ultrasound. I was in the office, in pain, feeling uncomfortable and awkward but knowing it needed to be done. Monday after I got home I got the call that I needed to go in right away for the blood work results. I asked if it could wait until they received the ultrasound results. I didn't want to go for 2 separate appointments. She told me she would check with the Dr and call me back. When she did she was adamant that I must come in right away. So in I went, not knowing what to expect. AS I sat there the Dr told me that she hadn't yet received the ultrasound results but that the blood work revealed something very urgent. My Hemoglobin was dangerously low and likely even lower that they were on Thursday. I was told to take copies of the labs and head straight to the ER. ON the way out the office manger yelled for me to wait because my ultrasound had just come in and she would have the Dr review them and see me in a couple minutes. I was called back in 12 minutes later. She told me that several things were found. First they could see I had gall stones that were not yet bothersome but would likely require surgical removal at some point. Second, that I had some cysts and fibroids, ok, so far I am not worried. Then she dropped a massive bomb on me. My endometrial lining is grossly thickened. Which means one of two things. First possibility is Endometriosis. They find this a bit unlikely because it should have been noted when I was pregnant with Roo, but it was not, also I have none of the classic symptoms of Endometriosis, like the severe pain that goes along with it. The second , is uterine cancer. My symptoms coincide with this possibility so needless to say I am scared to death. I will have to have a biopsy to confirm, but all likelihood is that, at minimum I will require a full hysterectomy.

On the way out I was reminded to head straight to the ER.

 I did, and was pleased that things moved very quickly. They tested my hemoglobin and it had fortunately risen by 2 points. So they sent me home telling me that if the bleeding started again to come directly back. By the next morning it had started and was as bad as it was before. I set things in place to have someone watch my kids so I could head off to the ER. I slowly got worse and worse as the day went on. My hemoglobin had dropped by 4 point since 24 hours prior. They were very concerned and ordered a transfusion right away. I was given two units of blood and it took forever. It was cold and a bit painful. but my husband was with me holding my hand and my parents (long separated) were united in their concern for me. I saw the worry in my dad's eyes and the helplessness in my moms as she brushed the hair of my forehead and tried her best to comfort me.

We're all scared, but all I can do is wait until the biopsy is done. Then I'll begin making plans depending on the diagnosis.

That's where I'm at.

hiding out of fear

Well I know I've been kind of absent from everything, school, family, social media... The fact is I've been hiding. Trying to avoid crying or getting angry. For over 2 months now I've had some medical issues that when combined are looking like my cancer may have spread. It could be side effects from not having a thyroid and not having my meds regulated still after all this time. But my doctors are concerned, which makes me scared. So I was scheduled to have some very invasive tests done and they begin tomorrow.

I'm not sure why I do this. Just when I need people the most I pull away and hide. I wish I was better at asking for help, I wish I was better at letting people in when things are rough. I'm not good at these things.

Tomorrow I have a bunch of blood drawn so they can start looking at my Thyroglobulin (Tg) again. but the real facts will come after my tests on Monday. It's not pleasant and I wish I could avoid it but frankly uncomfortable tests last a short time, the discomfort you feel from having cancer is much worse so better to just get it over with. I've hated waiting to have the tests done but now at least I'll have answers.

Again it could be nothing but the feeling I have in my gut is just like the feeling I had in the beginning, right before I was officially diagnosed with cancer.


Sadly as I was looking at the calendar to mark Mondays appointments off I realized something. By the time I am getting the result it will be my 2 year anniversary since the day I was diagnosed. It was June 30th 2009. For some reason once I recognized that date was close last year, I fell into a rough patch of depression. I am scared that I am at the beginning of the same slide right now.

I spent a large part of the day crying today, my crying turned to rage. I know now that I am angry again.

Angry that I have cancer
Angry that not all that long ago I was told there was only a trace amount of cancer showing on my scan.
Angry that it has ruined a lot of parts of my life.
Angry that it nearly destroyed my marriage.
Angry that my treatment is on hold because the drug company fucked up and the drug I need has been on shortage for a very long time.
Angry that my cancer might have spread
Angry that I have to be scared for the rest of my life (even once I am cancer free)
Angry that I have had cancer for almost 2 years when many people with the same cancer are cleared in a much faster time.
Angry that I feel so angry, when I have been blessed with so much in my life.


I am so sick and tired of being scared. I just want my life back. It's my life!!!!!!!!!!
Is that really so much to ask and pray for?

?

I can feel it

After dealing with having cancer for nearly 2 years, and losing my zest for life I am finally starting to see that I'm on my way back! I have interest again! Not necessarily in anything specific just in being alive in general. During my illness I had a complete loss of interest in everything. I know how this sounds, but yes, I even lost interest in my social life, my children and even just being alive. I guess I just kind of gave up everything to focus on having cancer. Not beating it, just having it. My life got very dark and meaningless. I pulled myself out of bed each morning out of obligation. I had kids, I had things I HAD to do, but when the day was done and my family was asleep, I let go and cry, ALL the time. I felt sorry for myself, felt sad for my kids and how confusing it all is for them, took pitty on my friends who were already very busy and were now making meals, taking me to appointments, babysitting for me and spending their time worrying about me. I wrote letters to loved ones telling them things I wanted them to know in the event I would die. I thought about all the things I hadn't yet done that I wish I could have, and turned it into a list of things I should have done.


So for me to look at the past couple of months I can recognize the signs. I AM WINNING! Not in the crazy-ass Charlie Sheen kind of way, but in the way that tells me and people around me I am on my way back. I am no longer just a cancer patient, I am still working on kicking cancer, but My Dr's have told me I am almost a sure thing now! Tests are showing only trace amounts and it's looking really good that I will be better soon! I had treatment scheduled for March, due to a medication shortage of one of the drugs I require, I've been pushed back to July but after that I am hoping to hear the words I've been fighting for! Cancer Free!

Remember that list I mentioned? Well, it's now been retitled. It's now called "Things worth living for" and include so many amazing things! Some as silly as make mud pies and jump in puddles with Roo & give dating advice to Aussie, but it also has big ones, like start a business, change up my style to find a new "look", speak in public, and beat cancer!

How do I know I am bouncing back? I see it in my interest in looking forward. In recognizing I have a future to plan for now! I am getting up and caring how I look, I am on the floor playing like a fool with my toddler- "Roo", I am talking about College options with my teen- Aussie and not just for him, but for ME too! We're both going!

Speaking of school, I never graduated from high school (read about it HERE) it was a sore spot for me, but I made the decision to go back and get my diploma (this is on my list!). Take something that bothered me and rectify it. This is another sign that the old me is returning (or perhaps a new version of the old me is currently evolving). I have spent the past couple of years relinquishing all responsibility for making decision to "Hubs". I think I shocked my family by working this one out and making the decision completely on my own.

The final tip that I know I am bouncing back, is that I am actively seeking like minded people to surround myself with. How can I not become great if I am surrounded by it constantly! Surely it's bound to rub off right? They say that positivity is infectious, so I wanna catch it! I think I already have! Can you tell?

I might have cancer, but I've NEVER been more alive!

Gone is my song...

Ever have a song that seems to push you through tough times? I do... well did. It seems I no longer have the need for the song anymore. Just listened to it and had no more positive response to it. Guess it's just a reminder of the bad now. Or better yet, a realization that I am getting better. Just gotta let it go.....


I AM GETTING BETTER!!! (that felt good...)

How to live in the moment?

So if you hadn't noticed, I had a run of bad weeks. I felt like giving up, like nothing I could do was going to make me any better. A thyca survivor, sent me a message with a bit of her story and she has been dealing with thyroid cancer for a very long time n ow. 7 years in total. In fact she said there are lots of people out there like us, who are outside the "norm" in terms of this type of cancer and how long it takes to "deal with". She said her Dr (like mine) also asked her to think of it as a chrinic illness.

When my Dr. told me that we might need to start thinking in terms of my cancer being a chronic illness, I was full of despair, thinking that I might wait a long time to hear the words "cancer-free", was unbareable to me.

Though she explained to me that while she was always in active treatment she had very long gaps of time in between treamtnents. During those times she taught herself to LIVE! That while she did have cancer, and she wouldn't feel 100%, there were many days she did feel pretty good. She learned to be spontaneous and live in the moment. So if she had a good day she would pack a picnic and pick up the kids from school for an impromptu lunch in the park, or call up a girlfriend and grab a coffee and enjoy a good chat over a stroll in the park, among many other things. She tells m that these moments reminded her that life can go one, and it doesn't have to be cancer on the brain all the time. I am not there yet, for me it still consumes my thoughts.

I have decided this is what I want for myself. I want to be able to be ok with not planning waaaaay in advance. I want to be able to be spontaneous. I want to be able to LIVE IN THE MOMENT!!!!

I have no clue how to achieve these things yet. I just know I NEED TO. Now if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to help me out with this goal...

I need to LIVE, but more importantly I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!

Sleep... Why do you elude me?

I have blogged before in the middle of the night explaining that I can't sleep but it's goes so much deeper than that. Sure I have valid readons more often than not. Like; Hubby snoring, Aussie coughing, Roo waking through the night, myself being over tired or unable to stop the thoughts from coming.

But now I know those things are only part of it. I think I am broken... and I don't know how to fix myself. After receiving an email from a concerned friend about my (too frequent) middle of the night posts both here and on facebook she has concluded that I am now officially entering the sadness portion of the "emotional stages". I laugh at the emotional stages because I don't feel like I fit into that cookie cutter list of stages. I bounce up and down those steps feeling like I'll never reach the one I want, the one where I am better and this nightmare is over and I can move on, collecting all the broken pieces of my life as I go. Can I order crazy glue in bulk? Perhaps I should hit up Costco in preperation for that step.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to the 1st track in my playlist (didn't know I had one here, turn up your speakers.)

I need some sleep

It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss


Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning 'round


Everyone says I'm getting' down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

For the record, I know what I am feeling is a phase, the Coleen formerly known as the class clown will return so please bear with me while she`s on hiatus. In the mean time I check my smile in the mirror, yup, still looks convincing... Time to start my day.

Side Effects and other issues...

Someone commented recently that they were shocked just how many "things" come up  after treatment. So it got me to thinking about all the things I've had to deal with becaue of cancer. Just wanted to share the list with you all. These are only the physical issues though there are many other things damaged by this disease. When I am ready I may post about them. But for now I prefer to leave my head firmly planted in my ass... err... the sand.

********************************************************************
Exhaustion AND Inability to sleep- Shouldn't I sleep if I am tired? Nope...apparently for me it doesn't work that way any more. The proof is in the pudding time stamp of this post, go look!

Exacerbated depression- I had PPD and PPA before having my thyroid out. Since your thyroid directly effects your mood, this has been a muc worse problem for me.

Inability to maintain core body temp- Cold ALL the time. My constant complaints have resulted in gifts! A Snuggie form my sis Shannon, a heating blaket from my husband Chris, and chenille socks from Jen!

Syncope- I faint at random with a sudden increase in stress levels. See this post for the full experience.

Vocal Chord shock- Happened after my Total Thyroidectomy and caused a limited and very harsh raspy voice for a couple of months. I used to have the voice of an angel prior to this.... ok that might be a lie, but it was much better before the surgery and I still have trouble whispering/yelling/singing.

Loss of 3 out of 4 parathyroids.- These bad boys are what makes me take 10 horse calcium pills each day

Neuropathy at the incision site- This causes me to have random electrical/shock like pains in all the areas where I have no feeling (the entire right side of my head and upper chest back)

Radiation induced Pleuricy- water AROUND my lungs caused me to have severe discomfort in my chest when breathing deeply.

Confusion- I don't understand... literally.

Lack of concentration- hmmm.... what was I saying? Where was I?

Altered taste- Though the fashion police have accused me of this before, this meant that my tastebuds didn't pick up much. I had very little ability to taste for over a month. I could mostly tasted a sour metalic taste but not much else. Food sucked!
************************************************************************

So if you are a cancer patient, what were your side effects?

Accident

I was diagnosed a while ago with stress induced syncope. Basically it means that when I experience a sudden onset of extra stress, my blood pressure drops extremely low causing me to blackout. It's happened a few times but never this bad. I was able to hide this from my extended family though Chris and a few people very close to me knew. I chose not to add this extra stress to the people I don't see daily. Why add more stress regarding my health. I was hoping I could get a handle on it but clearly I can't.

On Tuesday I had an accident. Chris's carpool ride didn't show up so he came back home needing a ride, but I had 20 minutes to get dress, dress the kids and drive him to work to be on time. I did feel really stressed by the rush and my anxiety kicked in. I went about my business getting everything done and Chris to go warm the car so it would run properly (it stalls out if you drive it cold- and it was COLD!) I headed for the kitchen to ensure Aussie had picked up his lunch, I felt "off" for a second and got tunnel vision then went down.

Aussie wittnessed it which I feel horrible about. I scared the life out of him. Since he knew nothing of my fainting he thought I died. That's what having a mom with cancer does. He ran down to get his dad and 911 was called. Aussie explained to them that I started talking funny and just fell. Smashing my head on the stove on the way down.

Once at the hospital we realized that I had went down to my knee first because it was ballooned up and intensely sore, as was my back.

Turns out I wound up with a mild concussion, I tore ligaments in my knee, and jarred my back a bit. They sent me home on crutches and with a few more prescriptions to add to the huge pile I already have.

Another side effect of this incedent is that my parents have been here "baby sitting" me for the past few days. I am hoping today is the last day of this. My parents are divorced and both have quirks that can be difficult, but the two of them don't particularly enjoy being in the same room together. They only do it on special occassions. holidays and such were normal in the past, but since I got sick we have added surgeries etc to the list. So being with them in the same room together for 9 hours a day this week has been.... ehem... interesting.

Dad has been doing all the chauferring that I normall do to get everyone to work/school, Mom has been keeping on top of my housework etc. And together they've run errands and groceries for me and acted as babysitters for me. It seems I am no longer trusted to be alone. I hope all this nonsense ends soon.

In order for them to hand my freedom back next week I have had to promise to keep a phone on me at all times, and to always answer it when someone calls. Right now my mom is starring at me in a way that says I am about to be told to take a nap.... I won't argue.

Enough already..

Fuck I hate cancer. Just needed to get that out. It's the middle of the damned night and I should be  sound alseep but no... not me, my brain is for some reason working a mile a minute. It just occurred to me that I really might die from this. Sure thyroid cancer is known to be higly treatable, but everyone I know who's had this had one little surgery and most didn't even have to do radiation. So if after 2 surgeries and radiation treatment why do I still have it.

Everyone tells me to be positive, yeah well try my life on for size then tell me how I stay positive day after day. Walking around with a big stupid fake smile on my face, making everyone else feel like everything's gonna be ok. Maybe it's not.

So my brain keeps going back to the fact that we have nothing in place in case I DO DIE. What then?

I need to plan.... but what do they all do if I die, what do I want them to know if I die.

I scarred shitless that this ugly, horrific illness will not just ruin my family (as it's doing already) but also rob my family of me. Not that I am great or anything but I am trying to do my best for everyone. My daughter needs me to continue helping her to grow into the beautiful soul I she she can be. I have had some hand in the amazing man Aussie is becoming, and I want that for Roo.

I want to be here to see, first loves, graduations, weddings, children, grandchildren. Hell, I just wanna be here to make them breakfast. BREAKFAST.... is that really too much to ask for? To be here for every tomorrow to make them breakfast? A task that I always hated doing, I HATED morning routine... WHY? It's beautiful, it's chaotic and perfect. But I didn't see it. I didn't appreciate it. Well GOD I see it now so fuck off and let me have my life back!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is alseep so now I can safely cry without causing worry. Then I'll write my kids the letters I've been avoiding. The letters of the things I want them to know after I am gone, and begin putting a box together of things for when I am gone....

I have had enough.

BAD days..

I spent the better part of the last 2 days hiding from my family, friends anything social. So basically the world in general. I stayed in bed and it forced my hubby to have to jump in and take over everything that I normally do. I feel badly about that now, but I needed to allow myself a bit of time to let the news absorb. I am still not dealing well with it and I am now taking more ativan than I have ever needed in the past. I just feel my ability to be positive and cope well is slipping away. I know it will come back, I just don't know how to get it back...

Why Me? Why is my family having to deal with this, and why do I always get bad news. I don't feel I deserve this nor does my family. How did I get it and what did I do that could have been a cause/trigger? Why can't it just be over already one way or another. I am tired of the fight.

But at least I am out of bed now, I guess that's a good thing.

Sick & waiting...

I feel like a bus hit me, I am more exhausted than I was before and I hate the change in my taste buds. One of the possible side effects from radiation is altered taste. I taste a kind of bitter, chemical taste. There is next to no flavor being picked up, so eatting is a lousy. That might be a good thing...? At least I didn't suffer with the dreaded dry mouth they warn of. Many people wind up with damaged saliva ducts as result of this radiation. It's why they tell us to constantly eat sour candies while we are radioactive. It forcesthe ducts to keep working. My mouth now gets dry, but mostly I notice it when I wake in the morning, but the daytime is fine.

Now I am just hoping my taste buds resume there original duties soon. I wanna be able to taste properly again!!!

I am also still waiting on news of my scan results.

Today Part 2 - Look Good Feel Better

Once Jen and I we done with the appointment at PMH it was getting late and I still had to get to Wellspring to meet up with Shanny for the Look Good Feel Better workshop I was enrolled in. We stopped so I could treat her to a quick bite, then we were on the road again!

I met Shanny at Wellspring and we got started with the workshop. There were women of all ages and colours at the works shops and while breast cancer was prevelent among us there was an aray of cancers within the group. I was the youngest and the oldest lady was 68. We were all there to learn how we can look our best while going through cancer treatments, many women had no hair and were learning about caring for and wearing wigs. Some of us had major skin/hair changes since starting treatments, and I was the only one with a visable scar, though some had scarscovered by clothing.

My franken thoat was unique among the group because I was the only one battling thyroid cancer. I felt inferior even amoung people like me. Why? Because there is still this stupid stereotype that thyroid cancer is "the good kind". 2 women said that to me  tonight. I always politely respond by saying "well in my opinion here  is no "good kind" of cancer",  then I just leave it at that. It seems to do the job.

We each got a big box full of cosmetics, lotions, cleansers, toners, and much more. They explained the changes in our skin and went further to explain the types of products to avoid based on our specific type of treatment.

Very informative, and fun. Best of all I walk out of there looking (and feeling) like $1 000 000.00

If any readers have or know someone with cancer please tell them about his program, it's FREE!

Angry...

Pissed off actually... My Dr seems to be avoiding me. Radiation is fast approching and I keep getting either blown off or the run around. NOW they won't even call me back. I think it's time I call the ombudsman to discuss my options. Surely she should know more about this new kind of cancer right? At least I have an appointment coming up a PMH- THEY will be able to tell me what it is...

Cancer's Shockwave

I can't help but notice my life is changing. I can't say it's for the better or for the worse since I am not at the end of this journey yet. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it, but a huge circle of people around them. Cancer has a huge shockwave that begins with the person diagnosed being "ground zero".

*My family and close friends live with a tremendouns amount of fear and worry in their hearts and minds. I know this to be true. I see it in their eyes and sometime even hear it in their words. Though they try to be strong for me I know they have moments where they think I might die. I have thought of this often and it makes me so sad. A good friend of mine (Jen) told me one evening over coffee with the girls that it NEVER entered her mind that I might die. Those words from anyone else would seem like a lie. Part of an agenda to make me feel better. However, from her those words resonate sincerity. I know she's been through dealing with cancer with another friend she is still close with. It might be selfish to say but I trust her implicitly to be honest with me at all times and I feel like she's in it for the lang haul with me. I am grateful for that. I have many people for which to be grateful. Though cancer is a hard thing to deal with and for many it's just too much and so those people gently fade away. I am contrantly reminded of the poem "A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime".My social circle rallied around me right from the begining. Back then when I first told my girlfriends I was sick I noticed that there were people who stood up and started planning, and got very involved, and other who were more understated and reserved. Clearly they were listening, taking it all in and staying in the background of those who were the ones jumping up to take action. I was sad by this in the begining but I now realize that for the most part (not 100%) the louder voices have drifted away having done their grand act and provided what they needed to. While those who quietly observed are now the ones who are here for me always, doing the more mundane things like show up when I get bacd news with nothing more than, a hug, an ear and a voice of reason. Or they take me to appointments, watch my kids of do my dishes when I am weak. The simple things in life that are hard to keep up with. Some people send a perfectly timed note/email/flowers etc, to either remind me they are still here or to ensure I am ok.

No matter the circumstance I know that I can't be hurt when someone chooses to fade away. It is of couse a natual thing that happens in our lifes.

Aussie is old enough to know when things aren't "quite right" and Roo is so intune with how the dynamics of the family are. When theres a change it's reflected in her as well.

Aussie has had to grow up quite a bit since this all began. He's taken on many tasks that childern shouldn't have to take on. He is much more active with his sister. Playing with her when he sees the exhaustion in my face. Not even asking, just looking at me and knowing I am beat. He is much more in tune with me, in terms of how I am feeling. He senses when I am lying about how I feel, and jumps in to do what he can. He still won't clean his room, but as long as he doesn't mind living in their then I leave it alone. My only rule is: no food, no dished, no garbage and make sure laundry is in the laundry room on laundry day. He lost a summer, very little playing outside, or hanging with friends. His time was spent home, helping with his sister and I. For that my heart breaks. I feel I stole that time away from him.

Hubby and I had to make the tough decision to put Roo in daycare. Once Aussie was back in school we quickly realized that I didn't have the health/stamina to deal with her never ending toddle energy and be able to afford myself some time to rest and focus on fighting this disease. It wasa bittersweet decision for me. On one hand I was able to rest knowing she was in great hands. I see now that she is learning and developing by leaps and bounds more than she was at home (hard for me to admit), and on the other hand  I miss her so much it hurts me. Everyday I miss her sweet face and crazy energy. Deep down it was the right thing to do until I am either better or at least finished with active treatment, which I am hoping for in the new year.

I never understood the great impact cancer has until having it myself. It pains me that the impact is as wide as it is, and not a day goes by without me feeling the guilt of being at the centre of it all.

Livestrong

This was given to me today. I shared it on a site I belong to and then realized I should make sure it's here too.

LIVESTRONG


I heard the news today.
It came out of nowhere.
I wish I could run away,
but where would I go?
Is this my destiny?
Something so unfair...
What will become of me?
God only knows.

And they say the road to heaven might lead us back through hell.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow,
we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die,
so we LIVESTRONG.
My pride is left for dead,
as my world gets shaken.
The thoughts inside my head
are so hard to control.
I am staring down the unknown,
but one thing is certain.
You could break my body,
but you will never break my soul.
And they say the road to heaven might leads us back through hell,
but we're holding on for more than stories to tell.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow,
we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die,
so we LIVESTRONG

Dr. Appt

At 4:45 I have my appointment to get the pathology from my last surgery. I am really scared because every time I see this Dr. She gives me bad news... Hopingt he day will pass quickly...

My Unquiet Brain...

That's how I feel. The thoughts are never ending now. One day things are normal, the next you are told you have cancer, and then nothing is the same. After having my thyroid surgery I feel horrible. I know the meds are still being monitored so I can find the "right dose", in the mean time I feel sad, and tired all the time. My days are filled with appointment after appointment (for the past 10 business days I have had 9 appointments and 7 that that relate to my current health (or lack of). I wasn't able to attend my family reunion this year and have had to "flake out" on several commitments because all this came up. Of course people understand, but it still upsets me.

I am a planner. I deal with things by planning ahead. That has been taken away from me for the time being. As have many other things. All I can do is live one day at a time (sounds cheesy, but it's true) I can't even plan a week ahead anymore. My friends and family are totally great about it, but I am not. I will be missing Austin's first days of school this year (will be in the hospital still). I will be missing Halloween with them too due to radiation.

The closer I get to my second surgery the more scared I am. This one is more scary and I am more scared. I put a smile on my face and deal with it, but the reality is I am tired of it. I wish it was over, I hate having to tell myself to cheer up and put on a brave face. The fact is I am mad, actually I am furious that this has happened and that it happened to me. It's making life hard, it's making me feel like a bad parent, I am not up to doing as much as before. I am lucky to get out for a walk with Ruari- she by the way has changed so much in these last 6 weeks. I can't help but find happiness in her and Austin too. He has grown up, been forced to step up and help when he should be hanging out with his friends for the summer, he's here helping me so Chris doesn't have to miss any more time from work than needed. After looking at the schedule of past and upcoming procedures he will have taken at minimum 4 weeks, not counting appointments that I need him to be at with me. I feel like I am putting his job in jeopardy.

Basically I feel like my life is on hold while I do my best to keep fighting to have a life at all.

People keep asking me if I am worried about dying and I throw facts at them well the number look fairly good for me... but I try not to think about the real possibility of dying, because let's face it I could get hit by a truck tomorrow. Everyone is going to die but I prefer not to think about it. Even when my mind goes there I post it more like what if I don't live. I can't say "what if I die?" .. (oh damn, I went and did it....) Even if my conscious mind rarely strays there, my subconscious mind is happy to do it for me. The other night I had this amazing dream. It was like a 3rd party dream, I was observing my life in a way. It was Ruari's wedding day and I was sitting in the room looking at her getting ready and talking about being proud of her. She kept saying thanks for everything Mom, and I was proud. I felt that feeling... Then my hubby Chris comes to the door and he tells us that it's time to go like as in walk down the isle) I get up to go to Ruari and I mumble some things to her then Chris says your delaying her Becky. I turn around to walk to Chris and it wasn't even me.... Chris says to Ruari I wish your mom was here to see you! and kisses her. The whole time I thought it was me i nthe dream because although I couldn't see myself I could hear my voice, and she kept saying mom. I woke up really upset realizing that I can't escape the thoughts that Life would still go on, and that while I would want that for my family, I also want it to be me at her wedding and NOT some chick named Becky... (sorry to any Becky's out there!) If I want it to be me I had better do everything I can to fight it. So now that I have put this out there I am going to stay committed to being positive. Telling myself I WILL live...and actually believe it..

2 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 16 until surgery #2

Thanks for letting me unload my thoughts. I actually feel a little bit better.