Wednesday, June 8, 2011

hiding out of fear

Well I know I've been kind of absent from everything, school, family, social media... The fact is I've been hiding. Trying to avoid crying or getting angry. For over 2 months now I've had some medical issues that when combined are looking like my cancer may have spread. It could be side effects from not having a thyroid and not having my meds regulated still after all this time. But my doctors are concerned, which makes me scared. So I was scheduled to have some very invasive tests done and they begin tomorrow.

I'm not sure why I do this. Just when I need people the most I pull away and hide. I wish I was better at asking for help, I wish I was better at letting people in when things are rough. I'm not good at these things.

Tomorrow I have a bunch of blood drawn so they can start looking at my Thyroglobulin (Tg) again. but the real facts will come after my tests on Monday. It's not pleasant and I wish I could avoid it but frankly uncomfortable tests last a short time, the discomfort you feel from having cancer is much worse so better to just get it over with. I've hated waiting to have the tests done but now at least I'll have answers.

Again it could be nothing but the feeling I have in my gut is just like the feeling I had in the beginning, right before I was officially diagnosed with cancer.

Sadly as I was looking at the calendar to mark Mondays appointments off I realized something. By the time I am getting the result it will be my 2 year anniversary since the day I was diagnosed. It was June 30th 2009. For some reason once I recognized that date was close last year, I fell into a rough patch of depression. I am scared that I am at the beginning of the same slide right now.

I spent a large part of the day crying today, my crying turned to rage. I know now that I am angry again.

Angry that I have cancer
Angry that not all that long ago I was told there was only a trace amount of cancer showing on my scan.
Angry that it has ruined a lot of parts of my life.
Angry that it nearly destroyed my marriage.
Angry that my treatment is on hold because the drug company fucked up and the drug I need has been on shortage for a very long time.
Angry that my cancer might have spread
Angry that I have to be scared for the rest of my life (even once I am cancer free)
Angry that I have had cancer for almost 2 years when many people with the same cancer are cleared in a much faster time.
Angry that I feel so angry, when I have been blessed with so much in my life.

I am so sick and tired of being scared. I just want my life back. It's my life!!!!!!!!!!
Is that really so much to ask and pray for?



Anonymous said...

This is the first time I am reading your posts, so I don't know you. But I am deeply touched by your honesty and want to reply that you have every right to be angry. And there's no need to apologize for it. Cancer sucks. It's stolen people I've loved and has been beaten by many other people I love. I wish you good rest results and continued health.

CK said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. My 2 year mark is on Sunday and I haven't been to my endo in too long a time - I moved and haven't found a new one because i'm scared of the very things you are going through now. Reading your post reminded me that I need to be proactive and set up an appointment. You will be in my thoughts Monday... hoping for good results!

Anonymous said...

Big big hugs. Please know that I'm here for you. I'm reading. I'm listening. I care - a lot.
You want to hide, that's okay, but know I'm here -- many people are right here with you to support you.

ox Pam @writewrds

Hippofatamus said...

Annon, thanks for your words and for visiting my blog!

CK- get your butt to an endo in town. But take some time to find a good one first, it's important for your health that you keep in touch with your Endo. Let me know when you've been.

Pam- Much love, always. I appreciate your support and always have.

wratwrds said...


Are you okay? I'm thinking about you. Please keep in touch.

Pam @writewrds

CK said...

Appointment made for the 6th of July ~ have you found out the results of your visit yet? Sending you good thoughts!

Guantes De Vinilo said...

So sad, its really being painful for whats going on but still you have to stay brave against that.

Harley Street Psychotherapist said...

Oh hun! I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through..... hugs!!!!!!!

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