Sunday, January 8, 2012

Shouldn't I be happy?

I can't sleep. I feel ashamed of myself. I'm hurting emotionally and I have no reason to be.

I know that the fact that I am cancer free is still fresh news, but I think I should feel happy. But I don't. I feel everything but happy. I feel sad, scared, depressed, anxious, and angry. Everything BUT happy. 

WTF is wrong with me? Am I broken? Who finds out their battle with cancer is finally over and spends 4 solid days crying? Me. Why? No idea.

I have kept this emotional upheaval a secret from everyone but then my mom called me and I completely fell apart on the phone. Granted there were other factors involved that had me feeling a bit emotional, but for the most part it was all over my confusion from being cancer free. I bawled while I talked to my mom, and she didn't sound the least bit surprised that I was feeling this way. She was very kind and supportive of me, explaining that it was going to take time to sink in. 

All I know is I feel horrible for not being anything but happy. I'll talk to my therapist about it and see if I'm normal or not. 

The honest truth is that I just don't know what to do now. How do I move forward? Cancer has consumed my life, my calendar, my medicine cabinet and so much more, and now it's just gone. So what now?

8 comments:

Cal said...

It is an emotional roller-coaster, and difficult to level the emotions when one is dealing with cancer news, even the good ones!

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