Just a not to let you know that, while I am still here I am not posting as often here anymore.

Don't be sad! It means this part of my story is no longer the biggest part. I survived Cancer! I've been in remission since January and have had no major health issues since then. OK, just a few weird things, but mostly I am really, really good!

Come read me over at Snip-Its Of Me! It's bright and cheery and super duper happy over there!

Thanks for reading and sharing in my Cancer story.

Hippofatamus Goes Pink For Thyroid Cancer

If you haven't seen my original post, you really should begin there. However if you already read it, or you just want to skip to the good stuff, feel free to continue reading.

I committed to dying my hair pink in honor of Brooke, a fellow thyca warrior. She wasn't as lucky as many of us are. She lost her life to Thyroid Cancer. I had never met her, but I am well aware that despite her diagnosis, she was a fun spirited girl with lots of life in her. She could often be seen with pink hair or fun pink highlights. So Team Thyroid decided to go pink as a tribute to her.

At first I mulled it over, then I shot my mouth off, jumping in quickly with very little thought. I tend to act based on my heart quite often. More often than not, my heart beats my brain to the punch. It was too late, despite nerves I had already told CancerGirl I was in. Then my brain kicked in with: "Oh no, what did I do? I can't go pink, I'm too old! What will people think." Then I slowed down and really thought it through. The people who have been there with me understand my passion for social good, cancer awareness and fundraising. They will not judge me based on nonsense, like so many might. I can use it to spark a conversation. My pink hair can generate real awareness if I just take the time to look people in the eye and tell them why my hair is pink. I realized Thyroid Cancer is bigger than me, and people need us to raise awareness for a seldom spoken about cancer. So I now had it all rationalized in my head.

Next I did some research about what kind of pink I wanted to do? Temp/semi/perm? As many people on thyroid medication can attest to, my hair can't hold colouring anymore. I've been told it's a Synthroid thing. At any rate, I chose a demi perm and I bought 'N Rage Demi Perm in Bubble Gum Pink.

I was warned it would turn anything it touched bright pink, so I took precautions. I can safely say it smelled great! Just like bubble gum! It was messy but as I mentioned I was careful so I had nothing go wrong. I did not strip my hair first I did it on freshly washed, oil free hair and here are the results:

I've had rave reviews  on the colour and how it suits me. It says it will last 3-6 weeks, I doubt I'll get that long since it has already faded a bit, but I really like it. So what do you think?

Don't forget you can help the cause by donating $10 to me directly via email money transfer or by going to CancerGirls donation page . Ask me if you have any questions about it!

Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month - Check Your Neck

September is 

Thyroid Cancer Awareness
month.

It is a cause that is very close to my heart because I was diagnosed in June 2009. I spent nearly 3 years of my life fighting it and I'm repairing the damages it did to my body and my family. But rather than tell you about my cancer (you can read it here) I want to dedicate this post to awareness. I want YOU to know what you need to do to be proactive. 

I know what you're saying... "But I'm already busy buying daffodils, planning a 'stache for Movember, Hosting a Girls Night In, Running for the Cure, and feeling my boobies, and the list goes on." 

I completely agree! With so many people being diagnosed with so many kinds of Cancer it's really hard to keep on top of all the initiatives to keep us safe. Cancer awareness can be a full time job, but I promise you this; as someone who has had it for over two years, spending time on awareness and self checks is NOTHING compared to how much of your life you can lose if you yourself are diagnosed. Sadly if you ignore your health and choose not to play a  proactive role in your well being the only alternative is playing a reactive role, and dealing with it when it might be too late.

Beause my story is one of Thyroid Cancer I am urging you to please do this for me:

Check Your Neck!

There are many ways to do this. One is a self exam. Easily done in 5 minutes. FIVE minutes!!! There is no excuse please do it. Right now. For me. If something's not quite right you'll know.

The second is to schedule an appointment with your Dr and request that he or she take a few minutes at your appointment to check your neck for you.

The third is to help me bring awareness by sponsoring me! $10 will buy you one day with my hair pink! The money will go to the Thyroid Cancer Survivors Association. You can read more about this fundraising effort here at Team Thyroid. To make a donation contact me and I'll tell you how!

I also have a favour to ask; please take a moment to share this, tweet this, like it, whatever you need to do to get the word out there. Everyone needs to know!

A Blissful Thank You!

You all must know about the contest I entered over at "I Don't Blog"! It was a really big deal and I made a crazy amateur video staring my Roo, all in an effort to get my uninspired blogger but to BlissDom Canada.

Well... I won! I have no idea how but I am not going to question a good thing. I am just telling myself that the universe is making up for some tough times that I've gone through recently. I am proud to be able to display This badge on my site!

The whole point of this post is to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who took a couple of minutes out of their day to help my get there. So here it is:

You can bet I`m going to appreciate this gift that Alex aka @Clippo has given me. I'll blog about my experience there including photos!

Now I need to get planning and let myself enjoy the excitement of it all!

Love you all!

Looking For My Bliss - BlissDom 2012

I entered an amazing contest to win a ticket to 

 Here is my entry:

*******************************************

When I think about my life, I know it is abundantly full. I have a great husband with whom I share two incredible children. We live in a modest but happy home in the suburbs. My husband has a great job which we are thankful for every day. In September both of our children will be in school. I could go on and on about all the amazing things my husband and children are up to however, I fall a bit short in that area myself. I've been a stay at home mom for over 4 years now and a good chunk of that time I was quite ill. The focus was on me but somehow while all that was happening I got lost. I became disconnected, unmotivated and very depressed. In January I finally found out I was well again. It was time to build my strength and get into the world. I couldn't wait to dive head first in to life again. Only I found I was scared, unsure of what to do next. So I decided I needed a spark, something to set my creative fuel ablaze once again. I instantly thought of BlissDom Canada Where so many women have had their creative juices boosted.

After a very candid conversation with my husband about buying myself a ticket, I knew that if I wanted to attend I needed to find another way. It was time to push myself to dig down deep for some of the creativity I once had. That lead to entering a contest to win myself a ticket to attend.

In my life I have never made a vlog, so I decided I'd give that a try. Have a look at my lame attempt at creativity. Maybe once you've seen it you will understand how badly I need to be at BlissDom Canada. I also asked around and it seems there a lot of silly people who want to help me get to Blissdom. Have a look at my video and the comments from people who want to see me get to BlissDom!

Even my friends think I should be there! Here's why they think I should attend BlissDom:

Michelle (@MishLockwood) said I should attend because I am a survivor.... And it is entirely.possible that at any moment during the conference I might jump up and break into song and dance... At first I was afraid, I was petrified, not thinking I could live without you by my side..."

Chris (@CancerGirl_730) said "because she deserves it."

Sandra said "because you are a survivor,inspirational, ambitious, creative, a go getter,helpful to others, motivated, an amazing mother and wife, great fun, and so much more. Of anyone Coleen deserves a ticket to this conference and they will be blessed to have her."

Tatiana (@TatianaHedley) said because I am amazing at hair-dos and I'll provide braiding services for free.

Victoria (@GirlGoneWired) said I should go because I am awesome and agreed to all of the aforementioned reasons.

Traci (@PunchDrunkMum) said "Have you seen this woman break dance? Do the running man? Well,neither have I and it probably Wont happen, but it could. How about perform oral surgery during a break just because she can? That probably won't happen either, probably best for someone certified to do so. Coleen is what Mario is to Luigi, what King Kong is to the Empire State building, she is queen of blogs hands down. If anyone deserves to go have the spark in her eye and surprise people it's this lady right here."

Jeannine (@MyBitsandBleeps) said "because if she has to change another diaper she'll scream!"

Ashley Barr (@NewMenuNewOtlk) said "because she'll promise to speak as if she's always being auto-corrected."

Karyn (@KarynClimans) said: "Just because..."

These people and many more believe in me and I promise to do them proud by coming home ready to get back blogging and better yet work towards taking my writing to the next level.

*******************************************

Normally I am uncomfortable with pestering people for votes but in this case I need them in order to win. So I am humbly asking for you to vote for me (I'm #4) at I Don't Blog and if you feel so inclined I would appreciate you sharing this with other so they too can vote for me. Click the share button, but first, go vote! 

CLICK HERE, THEN 
VOTE FOR #4
IN THE COMMENTS BELOW THE POST

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Chopping My Kids Hair

Recently my kids reached their goal of growing their hair to a length long enough to be donated. We selected an organization that takes your hair donation to make wigs for children who have list their own hair as a result of cancer treatments. It was bittersweet for me. Bitter, because I was sad to see my daughters hair go. I'd invested so many hours into maintaining it, and it was so beautiful. No that's not even a good enough, it was long, lush, shiny, healthy and stunning.

The hair cuts were also sweet for me because I was thrilled to see my teenage sons hair return to normal lengths.

I battled cancer for nearly 3 years and the decision to donate their hair came while I was still sick. In January 2012 I found out was finally in remission, so this event was a wonderful way to celebrate and give back.

Have a look to see how beautiful my daughters hair was when it was long. Also you get to see their before and after photos.

I'd love to hear what you think!

2012 is bringing changes!

A tearful conversation with my mom about my recent emotions, as well as a candid one with my hubby, brought about a lot of thoughts on how I can feel better. I spoke to both of them openly about how hurt I had been by a couple of people I thought were friends. I can see very clearly they are not anymore, and was struggling with that. I was also struggling very deeply with mixed feeling after being cleared by my dr. Finding out my cancer was gone was really a shock to my system and I haven't been coping as one would expect to such amazing, life altering news.

A couple of weeks have passed and I am not the big weepy mess of confusion I last wrote about anymore, but rather I am inspired to feel better by being better. Basically I am going to push down the negative thoughts and feelings and immerse myself in my ability to see the positive in any situation.

I don't do resolutions but I decided after these conversations that this is what I will strive for this year.

• I will no longer let bullies make me feel bad. I'll kill 'em with kindness instead. 
• I will stop worrying about how other people feel about me and learn to love myself again.
• I will think of 5 things that make me smile every time I feel negative thoughts bubbling up  
• I will push myself to see the good in every situation, no matter how tough it is.
• I will allow myself to move past my illness.
• I will begin making small steps to get out of my house more often, and work through the anxiety.
• I will make myself a household binder to get myself on track and on a schedule.
• I will continue being the best mom I can be and work towards being a less dependent wife.
• I will actively work on my blogging and keep current.
• I will make a plan on how to achieve my writing dreams and create a timeline to motivate me.
• I will put positivity out in order to see it return to me.

It's a list in progress as I am sure I will be adding things as my mind races with thoughts on self improvement. Even though it's only been a couple weeks I have let a lot of negative things go. Like friendships that have clearly faded. I'm finally OK with that. I spent a lot of time pondering what I may have done wrong but now I know in my heart that it really doesn't matter. Those people have shown themselves and my true friends are still right here with me through thick and thin they are the ones who deserve my focus.

Life has been much sweeter these past two weeks, and I know it's only going to get better as I work to find a new, post cancer, normal.

Shouldn't I be happy?

I can't sleep. I feel ashamed of myself. I'm hurting emotionally and I have no reason to be.

I know that the fact that I am cancer free is still fresh news, but I think I should feel happy. But I don't. I feel everything but happy. I feel sad, scared, depressed, anxious, and angry. Everything BUT happy. 

WTF is wrong with me? Am I broken? Who finds out their battle with cancer is finally over and spends 4 solid days crying? Me. Why? No idea.

I have kept this emotional upheaval a secret from everyone but then my mom called me and I completely fell apart on the phone. Granted there were other factors involved that had me feeling a bit emotional, but for the most part it was all over my confusion from being cancer free. I bawled while I talked to my mom, and she didn't sound the least bit surprised that I was feeling this way. She was very kind and supportive of me, explaining that it was going to take time to sink in. 

All I know is I feel horrible for not being anything but happy. I'll talk to my therapist about it and see if I'm normal or not. 

The honest truth is that I just don't know what to do now. How do I move forward? Cancer has consumed my life, my calendar, my medicine cabinet and so much more, and now it's just gone. So what now?

I'm a Survivor!

Wow, Yesterday I had my follow up appointment to find out the status of my cancer. As I wrote in my last post I was scared to death of metastasis. I felt quite certain it had spread. I don't even know that I have grasped what the Dr. told me yet. After meeting my mom, who was kind enough to come with me in case I got bad news, the Doctor go down to business explaining my cancer marker levels at each interval from the past two and a half years. Basically while my level is still not a zero it was low enough that I am safely considered:

CANCER-FREE!!!

Yes! That's right I am finally over this shit! I don't know how to react. I think I'm still kind of numb. I had to ask the doctor 20 times "are you sure?" She was please to tell me she was sure and she commended me on sticking it out, acknowledging that it was a longer battle than the majority of thyroid cancer patients endure. She also encouraged me to go see my family doctor so that we can discuss the pain and other issues that were causing me such concern. She said that it's great that it's not caused by the cancer but that it still needs to be checked out. I will certainly follow up with him, but really who cares about all that? All I know is I have a new lease on life and 2012 is my year!!!

I am a survivor!

Going "hypo"

For the past few months I've noticed I have an increase in pain, tingly hands and feet, severe exhaustion caused by my long bouts of insomnia among other strange little issues. For the past 6.5 weeks (since November 1st) I've been going hypothyroid to prepare for a whole body scan. I was unable to get Thyrogen as it is in shortage STILL, so my Dr's decided I could no longer wait for it and ordered me to go hypothyroid the old fashioned way.

For those of you wondering what it means to "go hypo" here's an explanation:


Everyone`s body requires thyroid hormone, a hormone taken in synthetic form once the thyroid has been surgically removed. Without this thyroid hormone, the body produces an increasing amount of thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH). An elevated TSH of at least 30 mIU/L is needed for the RAI treatment to be effective. To achieve this rise in TSH, we must stop taking our thyroid hormone replacement pills, or have our TSH stimulated by taking Thyrogen, a medication given by injection. Going hypothyroid by hormone withdrawal, involves stopping our synthetic T4  for many weeks prior to RAI-radiation treatment. During the time that T4 is stopped.  ‘Going hypo’ is a gradual process with the thyroid hormone changes occurring slowly over the weeks with out T4. The longer we are off of thyroid hormone T4, the more symptoms we experience and the worsen with each passing day.

When you go "hypo" these are the side effects you can anticipate.

• Fatigue
• Sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Hoarse voice
• An elevated blood cholesterol level
• Unexplained weight gain
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
• Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
• Muscle weakness
• Heavier than normal menstrual periods
• Brittle fingernails and hair
• Depression

The first week or two weren't bad actually but after that I began going down hill. The only benefit I found was that since I hadn't been sleeping in months, the exhaustion from being "hypo" changed that and I was sleeping better. I also already had some of these side effects prior for one reason or another but they worsened and I developed many others. So it has been a long couple of months and next week I go for the Radiation and a few days later the scan. I should know more by early January.

Hoping and praying it's not spread, but preparing myself for the worst just in case. I've always had bad news so I'm not about to let my hopes get up only to have them dashed by a Dr. dishing out bad news.

Fun way to spend Halloween

I have a busy day today I somehow wound up with my Appointment on Halloween. How unfair is that? At any rate I must go. I've been feeling rather unwell lately (more than normal). So I called them to discuss it. I can explain how I've been feeling and see if they think it's worrisome. I believe it is and I believe they need to find a way to let me go hypothyroid so I can be scanned. My Dr's prefer to hold off on going hypothyroid in hopes that Thyrogen will become available but it's been in shortage for so very long. My health concerns are serious enough that I am going to demand that they figure it out and stop waiting.

I constantly worry that the cancer has spread while we've sat here doing nothing but wait for Thyrogen. Frankly I'm tired of doing nothing!

Today all that ends and I'm going in there guns blazing.

Depression

For years I kept all my issues to myself. Always remaining tight lipped and bottled up. I talked with no one but my husband. One thing I have learned from having cancer is that it's ok to need help. Now more than ever I believe that knowing other people have walked your shoes and survived is very helpful. So many women have helped me though my struggles by sharing their stories with me. Whether it was Postpartum Depression/anxiety or cancer related. Every single person who has poured their heart out to me has helped me.

I suffer from depression and severe anxiety. 

Every. Single. Day. 

It all started after my Daughter "Roo" was born. In February 2008 the nurse called to come for a visit. "Sure thing! Come on over!" My husband was still home with me, having taken a month off to help me after a very difficult c-section. I remember greeting the nurse and welcoming her into my immaculate home. I had stayed up ALL night cleaning and making sure things were acceptable for her scrutiny. I was exhausted, and felt miserable but I knew it would pass so I plastered a big dreamy "I-love-my-life smile onto my heavily made up face. She sat with us, asking questions about the baby and her routines, and how my delivery was along with how I was healing. I spoke honestly about that stuff but everything else was a lie. When she asked if I felt down, I said no. When she asked if I was sleeping I said yes. When she asked if I had any unusual thoughts or feelings I said no. Then she moved to my husband and explained to him, not to me, what PPD was and what to look for. In other words she gave me the cliff notes version of what to keep hidden from everyone so they wouldn't know something was very wrong with me. Then she smiled, said everything looks wonderful, wished us well with our newly expanded family and went on her way leaving little more than a card behind. 

Months went by and I remembered every little detail she told my husband to watch for, and those were the things I stifled. If I needed to cry I went for a shower so I could cry without glaring eyes. If I was feeling anxious over unfinished housework I would lie in bed breathing slowly and quietly until I knew the rest of the house was asleep then I would get back up and take care of it keeping a watchful eye on the time so I could make sure to get back into bed no less that 30 minutes before the alarm was to go off. In my heart I knew a good mom can get all the housework laundry etc done AND be an involved and active parent who plays with their child, goes for walks, and attends mommy & baby classes and regular playgroup dates. So that's what I did. I played perfect mom during the day, and stayed up at night doing the chores. I rarely slept and that was ok, because I was honestly scared that "they" would take my kids away if I wasn't doing everything right. 

Eventually I began having a hard time holding it all together. I can remember standing at the door, baby upstairs screaming and I was begging my husband to please just stay home. He brushed me off saying he needed to make money and couldn't stay home. He walked out the door and I crumpled to the floor sobbing. I sat there for hours before I realized that if I left the baby crying any longer the neighbors would call "someone" and "they" would take her away from me. 

It got so bad that after living like this and hiding what was wrong for 8 months I had an emotional break. I totally lost it. After all was said and done I took to my local mommies forum and wrote this anonymously:

Hello- I have been feeling very out of sorts lately and I don't know what to do.
I am a wife and mom 2 two kids. THey are the bright spot in an otherwise bleak day. My infant cries non stop and I can't even step into the kitchen to get a drink without ear piercing sobs. I cuddle my baby and spend lots of time playing and singing etc but by the time DH gets home I really need a break from it and I ask nicely for a few minutes to myself to get dinner made in peace. My problem is that until recently I have been keeping up this front and faking that I am great when the truth is I am far from it. I am stressed out about so many things that I don't know what the biggest issue is anymore.
My home life is horrible because of outside contributing issues from other family members. (My husband and kids are wonderful and I love them so much!)
Money is tight and I am scared of not making my payments.
I never get a good nights sleep and I am constantly do everything while I get no offers of help. Example: last week I broke down and asked DH if he could bathe the baby and he asked why I hadn't done it earlier that day. I was super busy with groceries and the baby and dinner and housework so I thought it could wait until DH was home. I begged him to just give me a break. I didn't have the energy to di ti myself and I wouldn't have enough time in the morning to do it. He said no problem he'd take care of it. I went out for a walk with a friend for 1 hour (stopped at the store for lunch things at DH's request while walking). When I got back I watched tv for a bit then headed to bed. I asked Dh ihow her bath was, he said he didn't get to it. I was so angry I went to bed and quietly cried out of hurt and frustration.
A week of the same thing goes by, yesterday the baby refused to eat anything all day this led to a trip to the clinic to be sure all is fine. I am in there for over 2 hours. The baby screamed the whole time. I was litterally at my witts end. When DH got home from work I broke down in tears and begged him to help me. I explained that I feel like I am drowning and no one is there to help me. I even said that if he didn't start helping me more then he would ge tthe opportunity to see what its like to do it all himself, because I was ready to take a knife to my wrist. GASP!!! yes I said it, I really didn't mean it but I needed him to get it. I don't know whay I said it but out it flew.  Then all of the sudden I couldn't breathe and I was having extreme pain in my chest this went on for about 20 minutes, I was close to going to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. 
I am normally very composed and "together". But the facade is begining to crack.
I booked an apointment with my dr. but she can't seem me for a couple of weeks. I know most of my problems are common but I was always able to deal with them, but now they seems so much worse and harder for me to cope with.

I just don't know what to do to get back to the old me.

I had had my first major panic attack. I truly thought I was dying and that the world was closing in on me. I am very blessed to have had an amazing woman reach out to me to suggest that it could be PPD, and either way she would love for me to come to a meeting that she was running for moms struggling after having a baby. I went twice, sat in my car scared to face and admit what I had known all along. I was sick, severely broken. I never even got out of my car those first 2 times. I drove straight back home. The 3rd time I got to the door and was about to turn back for my car when the door pulled open, and a woman was standing there. She knew right away who I was an hugged me long and hard. I just stayed in her arms crying for what seemed like forever. It was instantly comfortable. I didn't speak much at the first meeting but I heard storied from the other women, some were like me and others were very different. But we all had the same thing in common, something changed in us after our child was born. I attended those meeting for a very long time. So long that I felt funny going because my DD was over a year old. They helped me through Dr's appointments, medication change after medication change and all the does increases that went along with them. They were my strength when I had none of my own.

Eventually I found the medication that made me feel closest to my old self and was doing much better for about 6 weeks. Then in June 2009 I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer, sending me back into a spiraling mess.

My life has never been the same. What has changed was the diagnosis, after 2 years with the PPD/PPA label, my diagnosis was changed to generalized depression and severe anxiety. Along with that came visits to a therapist and psychiatrist to help me to worth through old unresolved issues, and to learn my triggers and some coping mechanisms, and I'm on the edge of a new diagnosis. I still struggle, I still feel like much of my life is under a blanket of fog but thanks to one person reaching out to me way back then I was able to connect with other people suffering like I was and the world seems a little smaller, and I felt a little bit less alone in my struggles.

In light of the rash of suicides I want to urge you to be proactive with your friends and family and even people you may not know well. Many people suffer in silence, walking around with a big smile and lots of happy words when they are deeply hurting. If something seems wrong it probably is. Please take a moment and offer your help. YOU could be the one voice that saves a life in crisis.

Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month

September is 

Thyroid Cancer Awareness
month.

It is a cause that is very close to my heart because I have been battling it since I was diagnosed in June 2009. So rather than tell you about my cancer (you can read it here) I want to dedicate this post to awareness. I want YOU to know what you need to do to be proactive. 


I know what you're saying... "But I'm already busy buying daffodils, planning a 'stache for Movember, Hosting a Girls Night In, Running for the Cure, and feeling my boobies, and the list goes on." 


I completely agree! With so many people being diagnosed with so many kinds of Cancer it's really hard to keep on top of all the initiatives to keep us safe. Cancer awareness can be a full time job, but I promise you this; as someone who has had it for over two years, spending time on awareness and self checks is NOTHING compared to how much of your life you can lose if you yourself are diagnosed. Sadly if you ignore your health and choose not to play a  proactive role in your well being the only alternative is playing a reactive role, and dealing with it when it might be too late.


Beause my story is one of Thyroid Cancer I am urging you to please do this for me:

Check Your Neck!

There are many ways to do this. One is a self exam. Easily done in 5 minutes. FIVE minutes!!! There is no excuse please do it. Right now. For me. If something's not quite right you'll know.

The second is to schedule an appointment with your Dr and request that he or she take a few minutes at your appointment to check your neck for you.

If you are in the Greater Toronto Area, I urge you to come down with your family to Thyroid Cancer Canada's event "Neck Check". They will have Drs. Irving Rosen and Raymond Ng on hand to do a check of your neck and answer your questions. It's happening THIS Saturday at Sherway Gardens Mall between 9:30am-6:00pm. Click here to register.

If you are in Calgary AB there's an event for you too!

Wanted to let you know about our event in Calgary AB Canada:
Neck Check Run/Walk
for Thyroid Cancer Awareness

Where: Calgary, AB
Date: Saturday, September 24, 2011
Time: 9:00 am
To register go to: http://www.events.runningroom.com/site/?raceId=7099

I also have a favour to ask; please take a moment to share this, tweet this, like it, whatever you need to do to get the word out there. Everyone needs to know!

Cancer Drug-Thyrogen in continued shortage

It's been a while since I updated on the Thyrogen shortage happening in Canada. I am including all the letters so that new readers can see the situation from beginning to the current announcement.

I am now at a point that I will be making an appointment to speak to my Dr's about allowing me to go "hypo" under close medical observation. Hypo is not a safe option for me because I have a heart condition, however sitting here with cancer still in my body for months and months of doing nothing is (in my opinion) also not a safe option. I stress constantly that the cancer is growing and that I'll get terminal before Thyrogen is available. Now I know that seems dramatic, and scary, but it's where my mind goes and I can't help having these kinds of fears. I just want to move forward in my treatment and at least feel like we're doing something, anything to keep moving in the right direction.

I am really disgusted that this shortage is continuing this long. Does anyone even care that people like me are sitting here with CANCER doing NOTHING to get better? They need to get their shit together and get this shortage solved. AS it sits now We could be waiting until spring of 2012. If my hunch is correct, we'll get  ANOTHER shortage letter at that time.

Now for the letters the first is Dated Nov 2010 with the most recent being July 2011. For the current status please skip right to the last letter.

So excited to share!

I have huge news! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. Let me just get it over with:

"She's Connected" is an exclusive conference with Canada's 200 top digitally connected women, and brands who want to connect with them. Some of you may have heard of it and other are probably thinking "huh?". This conference is a really big deal to me. I have so much to learn from the amazing section of women I have been chosen with. I also have lots to share with them. This is not a conference you can easily buy your way into by purchasing a ticket. It is invite only, and I am humbled to have been grouped among women of this caliber. The speakers are amazing this year with my personal favorite being Celebrity Chef Christine Cushing she truly is "Fearless" in the kitchen. I could learn a thing or two from her. 

Ok, I could really go on and on about this, but suffice it to say; this conference is important, it's a huge event and I still can't believe I was selected!!

For more info on the conference click here: She's Connected

Now I have to figure out what I will wear! Anyone wanna help me come up with conference outfits for a plus size woman??

No more cancer

In the last post I expressed my health concerns and I am very fortunate to say that the tests came back conclusive. It's not a new cancer! It's still yucky and I'll have to decide which treatment to go with but I was diagnosed with a menstrual disorder called menorhagia/hypermenorrhea. Basically it's excessive and prolonged bleeding. Which is why it gets so bad that I went severely anemic and required hospitalization and a blood transfusion. 


So now what. I am given the choice of 3 things:
1.) Try an IUD to see if it regulates the bleeding- in many women it does.
2.) A uterine abalation
3.) A hysterectomy


After having gone through so much already; medically speaking I think I am leaning toward trying the IUD it's less invasive, but not guaranteed. The only sure thing is the hysterectomy and I'm not ready to deal with everything that comes along with that. Major surgery (again) followed by early menopause doesn't seem like my best bet right now, although it looks quite likely at some point if the IUD does work as well as we're hoping.


Now to find out if insurance will cover the cost of the IUD, theyre over $300 otherwise. 

Where I'm at

As you may have read in the last post I've been having some medical issues lately. To be specific I have bleeding for 2.5 months now. It began like every other period, only it didn't end when it should have, it just kept going and going, getting heavier and more brutal to the point I was hemorrhaging. The blood was thin, almost like water, and I was soaking through tampons in 20 minutes. I have had a terrible backache that just won't go away and had been hospitalized on Easter for a severely swollen left leg. Finally I went to my Dr. to describe all the issues, he sent me for tests. Luckily the bleeding had stopped by last Thursday, just in time for me to do the blood work. Monday I went for ultrasounds including a trans vaginal ultrasound. I was in the office, in pain, feeling uncomfortable and awkward but knowing it needed to be done. Monday after I got home I got the call that I needed to go in right away for the blood work results. I asked if it could wait until they received the ultrasound results. I didn't want to go for 2 separate appointments. She told me she would check with the Dr and call me back. When she did she was adamant that I must come in right away. So in I went, not knowing what to expect. AS I sat there the Dr told me that she hadn't yet received the ultrasound results but that the blood work revealed something very urgent. My Hemoglobin was dangerously low and likely even lower that they were on Thursday. I was told to take copies of the labs and head straight to the ER. ON the way out the office manger yelled for me to wait because my ultrasound had just come in and she would have the Dr review them and see me in a couple minutes. I was called back in 12 minutes later. She told me that several things were found. First they could see I had gall stones that were not yet bothersome but would likely require surgical removal at some point. Second, that I had some cysts and fibroids, ok, so far I am not worried. Then she dropped a massive bomb on me. My endometrial lining is grossly thickened. Which means one of two things. First possibility is Endometriosis. They find this a bit unlikely because it should have been noted when I was pregnant with Roo, but it was not, also I have none of the classic symptoms of Endometriosis, like the severe pain that goes along with it. The second , is uterine cancer. My symptoms coincide with this possibility so needless to say I am scared to death. I will have to have a biopsy to confirm, but all likelihood is that, at minimum I will require a full hysterectomy.

On the way out I was reminded to head straight to the ER.

 I did, and was pleased that things moved very quickly. They tested my hemoglobin and it had fortunately risen by 2 points. So they sent me home telling me that if the bleeding started again to come directly back. By the next morning it had started and was as bad as it was before. I set things in place to have someone watch my kids so I could head off to the ER. I slowly got worse and worse as the day went on. My hemoglobin had dropped by 4 point since 24 hours prior. They were very concerned and ordered a transfusion right away. I was given two units of blood and it took forever. It was cold and a bit painful. but my husband was with me holding my hand and my parents (long separated) were united in their concern for me. I saw the worry in my dad's eyes and the helplessness in my moms as she brushed the hair of my forehead and tried her best to comfort me.

We're all scared, but all I can do is wait until the biopsy is done. Then I'll begin making plans depending on the diagnosis.

That's where I'm at.

hiding out of fear

Well I know I've been kind of absent from everything, school, family, social media... The fact is I've been hiding. Trying to avoid crying or getting angry. For over 2 months now I've had some medical issues that when combined are looking like my cancer may have spread. It could be side effects from not having a thyroid and not having my meds regulated still after all this time. But my doctors are concerned, which makes me scared. So I was scheduled to have some very invasive tests done and they begin tomorrow.

I'm not sure why I do this. Just when I need people the most I pull away and hide. I wish I was better at asking for help, I wish I was better at letting people in when things are rough. I'm not good at these things.

Tomorrow I have a bunch of blood drawn so they can start looking at my Thyroglobulin (Tg) again. but the real facts will come after my tests on Monday. It's not pleasant and I wish I could avoid it but frankly uncomfortable tests last a short time, the discomfort you feel from having cancer is much worse so better to just get it over with. I've hated waiting to have the tests done but now at least I'll have answers.

Again it could be nothing but the feeling I have in my gut is just like the feeling I had in the beginning, right before I was officially diagnosed with cancer.


Sadly as I was looking at the calendar to mark Mondays appointments off I realized something. By the time I am getting the result it will be my 2 year anniversary since the day I was diagnosed. It was June 30th 2009. For some reason once I recognized that date was close last year, I fell into a rough patch of depression. I am scared that I am at the beginning of the same slide right now.

I spent a large part of the day crying today, my crying turned to rage. I know now that I am angry again.

Angry that I have cancer
Angry that not all that long ago I was told there was only a trace amount of cancer showing on my scan.
Angry that it has ruined a lot of parts of my life.
Angry that it nearly destroyed my marriage.
Angry that my treatment is on hold because the drug company fucked up and the drug I need has been on shortage for a very long time.
Angry that my cancer might have spread
Angry that I have to be scared for the rest of my life (even once I am cancer free)
Angry that I have had cancer for almost 2 years when many people with the same cancer are cleared in a much faster time.
Angry that I feel so angry, when I have been blessed with so much in my life.


I am so sick and tired of being scared. I just want my life back. It's my life!!!!!!!!!!
Is that really so much to ask and pray for?

?

Check your neck

Today is World Thyroid Day.

Did you know the butterfly shaped glad had it's own day? Well I did, but I have become a bit of an expert when it comes to the thyroid. Having had Thyroid Cancer for nearly two years I have made it my mission to know as much as I can. You can read my story here on my blog, you can google thyroid cancer or you can ask around but let me save you some time and tell you a few things you likely don't know.

FACT: The fastest growing cancer among women is Thyroid Cancer

FACT: Many patients, especially in the early stages of thyroid cancer, do not experience symptoms.

FACT: The symptoms can mask themselves as common issues such as a cold. The symptoms included: a lump or nodule in the front of the neck, hoarseness or difficulty speaking, swollen lymph nodes, difficulty swallowing or breathing, and pain in the throat or neck.

FACT: Thyroid Cancer is only one of many issues people struggle with when it comes to their thyroid. I blog specifically about Thyroid Cancer and the resulting Hypothyroidism but here is the whole list, click to read more about each one:

Congenital Hypothyroidism
Graves' Disease
Hashimoto's Disease
Hyperthyroidism
Hypothyroidism
Postpartum Thyroiditis
Thyroid Cancer
Thyroid Nodules

I want you to check your neck today! Then make it a part of your regular medical routine. When you "feel your boobies" remember to also check your neck!

Here are the simple steps to check your neck:

1.) Stand in front of a mirror, so that you can see your neck without any obstruction. Take off scarves, neckties, turtlenecks, so your view of your neck area is clear.

2.) Stretch your neck back, chin toward the ceiling.

3.) With your neck still stretched back, drink a glass of water.

4.) Check your neck, looking for any enlargement in the thyroid area.

5.) Feel the area around the thyroid to see if you can detect any enlargement, bumps or lumps.

6.) If a problem is detected, see a doctor

PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE TO MAKE YOURSELF AWARE

 

THEN, CHECK YOUR NECK

My blog and I are stylish!

I just found out that It's Not The Good Kind won me a stylish blogger award! Love that! Thanks Robin! I am truly honoured!

Check it out here!