Fuck I hate cancer. Just needed to get that out. It's the middle of the damned night and I should be sound alseep but no... not me, my brain is for some reason working a mile a minute. It just occurred to me that I really might die from this. Sure thyroid cancer is known to be higly treatable, but everyone I know who's had this had one little surgery and most didn't even have to do radiation. So if after 2 surgeries and radiation treatment why do I still have it.
Everyone tells me to be positive, yeah well try my life on for size then tell me how I stay positive day after day. Walking around with a big stupid fake smile on my face, making everyone else feel like everything's gonna be ok. Maybe it's not.
So my brain keeps going back to the fact that we have nothing in place in case I DO DIE. What then?
I need to plan.... but what do they all do if I die, what do I want them to know if I die.
I scarred shitless that this ugly, horrific illness will not just ruin my family (as it's doing already) but also rob my family of me. Not that I am great or anything but I am trying to do my best for everyone. My daughter needs me to continue helping her to grow into the beautiful soul I she she can be. I have had some hand in the amazing man Aussie is becoming, and I want that for Roo.
I want to be here to see, first loves, graduations, weddings, children, grandchildren. Hell, I just wanna be here to make them breakfast. BREAKFAST.... is that really too much to ask for? To be here for every tomorrow to make them breakfast? A task that I always hated doing, I HATED morning routine... WHY? It's beautiful, it's chaotic and perfect. But I didn't see it. I didn't appreciate it. Well GOD I see it now so fuck off and let me have my life back!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone is alseep so now I can safely cry without causing worry. Then I'll write my kids the letters I've been avoiding. The letters of the things I want them to know after I am gone, and begin putting a box together of things for when I am gone....
I have had enough.
5 months ago