Chopping My Kids Hair

Recently my kids reached their goal of growing their hair to a length long enough to be donated. We selected an organization that takes your hair donation to make wigs for children who have list their own hair as a result of cancer treatments. It was bittersweet for me. Bitter, because I was sad to see my daughters hair go. I'd invested so many hours into maintaining it, and it was so beautiful. No that's not even a good enough, it was long, lush, shiny, healthy and stunning.

The hair cuts were also sweet for me because I was thrilled to see my teenage sons hair return to normal lengths.

I battled cancer for nearly 3 years and the decision to donate their hair came while I was still sick. In January 2012 I found out was finally in remission, so this event was a wonderful way to celebrate and give back.

Have a look to see how beautiful my daughters hair was when it was long. Also you get to see their before and after photos.

I'd love to hear what you think!

2012 is bringing changes!

A tearful conversation with my mom about my recent emotions, as well as a candid one with my hubby, brought about a lot of thoughts on how I can feel better. I spoke to both of them openly about how hurt I had been by a couple of people I thought were friends. I can see very clearly they are not anymore, and was struggling with that. I was also struggling very deeply with mixed feeling after being cleared by my dr. Finding out my cancer was gone was really a shock to my system and I haven't been coping as one would expect to such amazing, life altering news.

A couple of weeks have passed and I am not the big weepy mess of confusion I last wrote about anymore, but rather I am inspired to feel better by being better. Basically I am going to push down the negative thoughts and feelings and immerse myself in my ability to see the positive in any situation.

I don't do resolutions but I decided after these conversations that this is what I will strive for this year.

• I will no longer let bullies make me feel bad. I'll kill 'em with kindness instead. 
• I will stop worrying about how other people feel about me and learn to love myself again.
• I will think of 5 things that make me smile every time I feel negative thoughts bubbling up  
• I will push myself to see the good in every situation, no matter how tough it is.
• I will allow myself to move past my illness.
• I will begin making small steps to get out of my house more often, and work through the anxiety.
• I will make myself a household binder to get myself on track and on a schedule.
• I will continue being the best mom I can be and work towards being a less dependent wife.
• I will actively work on my blogging and keep current.
• I will make a plan on how to achieve my writing dreams and create a timeline to motivate me.
• I will put positivity out in order to see it return to me.

It's a list in progress as I am sure I will be adding things as my mind races with thoughts on self improvement. Even though it's only been a couple weeks I have let a lot of negative things go. Like friendships that have clearly faded. I'm finally OK with that. I spent a lot of time pondering what I may have done wrong but now I know in my heart that it really doesn't matter. Those people have shown themselves and my true friends are still right here with me through thick and thin they are the ones who deserve my focus.

Life has been much sweeter these past two weeks, and I know it's only going to get better as I work to find a new, post cancer, normal.

Shouldn't I be happy?

I can't sleep. I feel ashamed of myself. I'm hurting emotionally and I have no reason to be.

I know that the fact that I am cancer free is still fresh news, but I think I should feel happy. But I don't. I feel everything but happy. I feel sad, scared, depressed, anxious, and angry. Everything BUT happy. 

WTF is wrong with me? Am I broken? Who finds out their battle with cancer is finally over and spends 4 solid days crying? Me. Why? No idea.

I have kept this emotional upheaval a secret from everyone but then my mom called me and I completely fell apart on the phone. Granted there were other factors involved that had me feeling a bit emotional, but for the most part it was all over my confusion from being cancer free. I bawled while I talked to my mom, and she didn't sound the least bit surprised that I was feeling this way. She was very kind and supportive of me, explaining that it was going to take time to sink in. 

All I know is I feel horrible for not being anything but happy. I'll talk to my therapist about it and see if I'm normal or not. 

The honest truth is that I just don't know what to do now. How do I move forward? Cancer has consumed my life, my calendar, my medicine cabinet and so much more, and now it's just gone. So what now?

I'm a Survivor!

Wow, Yesterday I had my follow up appointment to find out the status of my cancer. As I wrote in my last post I was scared to death of metastasis. I felt quite certain it had spread. I don't even know that I have grasped what the Dr. told me yet. After meeting my mom, who was kind enough to come with me in case I got bad news, the Doctor go down to business explaining my cancer marker levels at each interval from the past two and a half years. Basically while my level is still not a zero it was low enough that I am safely considered:

CANCER-FREE!!!

Yes! That's right I am finally over this shit! I don't know how to react. I think I'm still kind of numb. I had to ask the doctor 20 times "are you sure?" She was please to tell me she was sure and she commended me on sticking it out, acknowledging that it was a longer battle than the majority of thyroid cancer patients endure. She also encouraged me to go see my family doctor so that we can discuss the pain and other issues that were causing me such concern. She said that it's great that it's not caused by the cancer but that it still needs to be checked out. I will certainly follow up with him, but really who cares about all that? All I know is I have a new lease on life and 2012 is my year!!!

I am a survivor!

Going "hypo"

For the past few months I've noticed I have an increase in pain, tingly hands and feet, severe exhaustion caused by my long bouts of insomnia among other strange little issues. For the past 6.5 weeks (since November 1st) I've been going hypothyroid to prepare for a whole body scan. I was unable to get Thyrogen as it is in shortage STILL, so my Dr's decided I could no longer wait for it and ordered me to go hypothyroid the old fashioned way.

For those of you wondering what it means to "go hypo" here's an explanation:


Everyone`s body requires thyroid hormone, a hormone taken in synthetic form once the thyroid has been surgically removed. Without this thyroid hormone, the body produces an increasing amount of thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH). An elevated TSH of at least 30 mIU/L is needed for the RAI treatment to be effective. To achieve this rise in TSH, we must stop taking our thyroid hormone replacement pills, or have our TSH stimulated by taking Thyrogen, a medication given by injection. Going hypothyroid by hormone withdrawal, involves stopping our synthetic T4  for many weeks prior to RAI-radiation treatment. During the time that T4 is stopped.  ‘Going hypo’ is a gradual process with the thyroid hormone changes occurring slowly over the weeks with out T4. The longer we are off of thyroid hormone T4, the more symptoms we experience and the worsen with each passing day.

When you go "hypo" these are the side effects you can anticipate.

• Fatigue
• Sluggishness
• Increased sensitivity to cold
• Constipation
• Pale, dry skin
• A puffy face
• Hoarse voice
• An elevated blood cholesterol level
• Unexplained weight gain
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
• Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
• Muscle weakness
• Heavier than normal menstrual periods
• Brittle fingernails and hair
• Depression

The first week or two weren't bad actually but after that I began going down hill. The only benefit I found was that since I hadn't been sleeping in months, the exhaustion from being "hypo" changed that and I was sleeping better. I also already had some of these side effects prior for one reason or another but they worsened and I developed many others. So it has been a long couple of months and next week I go for the Radiation and a few days later the scan. I should know more by early January.

Hoping and praying it's not spread, but preparing myself for the worst just in case. I've always had bad news so I'm not about to let my hopes get up only to have them dashed by a Dr. dishing out bad news.