Thursday, July 9, 2009

I think I feel something finally.

It's been 8 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes and 8 seconds since I was told I have cancer. The big "C" is worst sickness imaginable, yet I felt/feel fine. Other than a lump, I have no really symptoms. Since that time I have been in a fog... a light blanket of it but none then less a fog. It keeps me protected from the reality I should be facing. I have heard so many things since that moment about how I should feel. People look at me with a sort of sadness now. My family worries this is "the last straw" for me... you know the one that's finally gonna break my back. True, I have had a horrible year. I am the first to admit that, but someone keeps telling me God won't dish out more than He thinks I am capable of handling. So I cling to that knowing I have so much to fight for, that last of which is myself. In my mind the priority has been everything else. I have to keep going for my kids, my husband, my parents, my sister, aunts,uncles,cousins,etc. So I have really felt NOTHING. Not sad, scared, angry, denial, acceptance, hopeless. Litterally nothing. So yesterday I visit with a friend and she suggests that I take a period of time everyday to just focus on having cancer and what it means for me and my family/friends. Last night I did that. I realized that in order to really deal with it I need to turn the focus to myself. I need to make myself the priority, despite how hard it is. So I will get counselling so that I can learn to cope it it all properly, therefore I am in a better position to help my family as well. (Note to self: must appologize to the counsellor I called an idiot for insisting on seeing me before my son.... I get it now. She needed to make sure I was coping before she could worry about talking to my son, he won't cope well if he's sees that I am not)

I waited until my family was soundly sleeping (I haven't been sleeping well so I was still up) and I went ahead and opened up the "floodgates". I thought about it and the impact it is having/will have, but nothing happened. I was disapointed. Surely if I can't feel some sort of emotion I must be broken... I gave up and decided to surf the net to kill a bit of time. I am active on a moms website in my community and I went back to read the initial post I wrote about the cancer scare (it's actually my initial blog post here, this blog is private and only for me but I just chose to post it anonymously over there) to see if anyone had any words of wisdom about how to deal with a cancer scare and I spent some time reading the replies, All the sudden I was overcome with emotion... I can not believe that so many of them were willing to share personal stories of how cancer has affected their lives. So many people just wanted to offer an encouraging word, or to share in the shock we are feeling. Supportive posts, offers of help everything in between. I have always loved this site and know the power it holds, and that we hold as a community.

Finally I was able to really think about it all and the reasons I had to fight. I think my feelings of nothing is more my version of self preservation. My family is not handling the news very well and so if I am "normal" it is easier for them to deal with. So I keep smiling and cracking jokes and enjoying my life. You may wonder why or how I can do it, but being a Mom really helps. I know I need to keep things as normal for my family as possible. But I now also knowo that I need that time in the day to just think about it dwell on it and maybe soon even cry about it, so that I can be normal for the rest of the day. I have to continue laughing and being sarcastic etc.. it's all I know. I need people around me to understand that even though I am laughing and joking I am not in denial... I really do "get it". I just need a sense of normal.

1 comment:

l'optimiste said...

hello! I was a bit like you - didn't seem to ''feel the right things''. But this was according to everyone else. We feel what we feel, and cope how we cope; as individuals.
I think I only really cried once after my diagnosis - and that was when I realised that if I died, my husband would be on his own [?!]. Confused thinking was my norm. And actually it still is! ;o)

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