Saturday, July 4, 2009

I feel nothing....

I still can't cry, and people keep telling me I should be emotional. I cried a bit the other night after my family was soundly sleeping I got up, and my thoughts krept up on me, mostly about how I would be seperated from my babies when I go in for surgery, I wept for them and for how I would miss them while I am gone. I just can't seem to cry for myself and this stupid illness and the fact that I have it. I don't know what's wrong with me.... I must be broken or something. I just feel... nothing. Not angry, sad, mad, scared. Nothing... kind of dead... I went to Wellspring today and even after hearing everything that people were telling me I still feel "off". They did tell me that the begining is the easiest and eventually it will hit me hard.

I am trying to keep things normal for my friends and family. Cracking my normal jokes and being as light hearted as possible... My son is a wreck and has pretty much shut down. My husband is sticking his head in his ass the sand refusing to talk about it other than superficially. He will talk around it in a way but won't really say anything deep.I feel pretty alone in the battle when it comes to him. My girlfriends are AMAZING. They have alreay taken over the planning and preparing. I am in awe of how quickly they joined forces with me in this battle.

After reading all the kind words and comments about my strength I am proud to have come accross this way! Sometimes I am really strong, like when other people need me. But as soon as I need help I almost shut down.

I just wish I could cry and get it over with.

Now I need to stop wallowing and get back to packing! We move in a few weeks, and I will be post op and get sit the whole thing out.

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