Monday, March 7, 2011

I can feel it

After dealing with having cancer for nearly 2 years, and losing my zest for life I am finally starting to see that I'm on my way back! I have interest again! Not necessarily in anything specific just in being alive in general. During my illness I had a complete loss of interest in everything. I know how this sounds, but yes, I even lost interest in my social life, my children and even just being alive. I guess I just kind of gave up everything to focus on having cancer. Not beating it, just having it. My life got very dark and meaningless. I pulled myself out of bed each morning out of obligation. I had kids, I had things I HAD to do, but when the day was done and my family was asleep, I let go and cry, ALL the time. I felt sorry for myself, felt sad for my kids and how confusing it all is for them, took pitty on my friends who were already very busy and were now making meals, taking me to appointments, babysitting for me and spending their time worrying about me. I wrote letters to loved ones telling them things I wanted them to know in the event I would die. I thought about all the things I hadn't yet done that I wish I could have, and turned it into a list of things I should have done.


So for me to look at the past couple of months I can recognize the signs. I AM WINNING! Not in the crazy-ass Charlie Sheen kind of way, but in the way that tells me and people around me I am on my way back. I am no longer just a cancer patient, I am still working on kicking cancer, but My Dr's have told me I am almost a sure thing now! Tests are showing only trace amounts and it's looking really good that I will be better soon! I had treatment scheduled for March, due to a medication shortage of one of the drugs I require, I've been pushed back to July but after that I am hoping to hear the words I've been fighting for! Cancer Free!

Remember that list I mentioned? Well, it's now been retitled. It's now called "Things worth living for" and include so many amazing things! Some as silly as make mud pies and jump in puddles with Roo & give dating advice to Aussie, but it also has big ones, like start a business, change up my style to find a new "look", speak in public, and beat cancer!

How do I know I am bouncing back? I see it in my interest in looking forward. In recognizing I have a future to plan for now! I am getting up and caring how I look, I am on the floor playing like a fool with my toddler- "Roo", I am talking about College options with my teen- Aussie and not just for him, but for ME too! We're both going!

Speaking of school, I never graduated from high school (read about it HERE) it was a sore spot for me, but I made the decision to go back and get my diploma (this is on my list!). Take something that bothered me and rectify it. This is another sign that the old me is returning (or perhaps a new version of the old me is currently evolving). I have spent the past couple of years relinquishing all responsibility for making decision to "Hubs". I think I shocked my family by working this one out and making the decision completely on my own.

The final tip that I know I am bouncing back, is that I am actively seeking like minded people to surround myself with. How can I not become great if I am surrounded by it constantly! Surely it's bound to rub off right? They say that positivity is infectious, so I wanna catch it! I think I already have! Can you tell?

I might have cancer, but I've NEVER been more alive!

1 comment:

Stuff could always be worse said...

So happy to read this, I believe your attitude does help you! Nice to meet you.
kim

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