I can't help but notice my life is changing. I can't say it's for the better or for the worse since I am not at the end of this journey yet. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it, but a huge circle of people around them. Cancer has a huge shockwave that begins with the person diagnosed being "ground zero".
*My family and close friends live with a tremendouns amount of fear and worry in their hearts and minds. I know this to be true. I see it in their eyes and sometime even hear it in their words. Though they try to be strong for me I know they have moments where they think I might die. I have thought of this often and it makes me so sad. A good friend of mine (Jen) told me one evening over coffee with the girls that it NEVER entered her mind that I might die. Those words from anyone else would seem like a lie. Part of an agenda to make me feel better. However, from her those words resonate sincerity. I know she's been through dealing with cancer with another friend she is still close with. It might be selfish to say but I trust her implicitly to be honest with me at all times and I feel like she's in it for the lang haul with me. I am grateful for that. I have many people for which to be grateful. Though cancer is a hard thing to deal with and for many it's just too much and so those people gently fade away. I am contrantly reminded of the poem "A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime".My social circle rallied around me right from the begining. Back then when I first told my girlfriends I was sick I noticed that there were people who stood up and started planning, and got very involved, and other who were more understated and reserved. Clearly they were listening, taking it all in and staying in the background of those who were the ones jumping up to take action. I was sad by this in the begining but I now realize that for the most part (not 100%) the louder voices have drifted away having done their grand act and provided what they needed to. While those who quietly observed are now the ones who are here for me always, doing the more mundane things like show up when I get bacd news with nothing more than, a hug, an ear and a voice of reason. Or they take me to appointments, watch my kids of do my dishes when I am weak. The simple things in life that are hard to keep up with. Some people send a perfectly timed note/email/flowers etc, to either remind me they are still here or to ensure I am ok.
No matter the circumstance I know that I can't be hurt when someone chooses to fade away. It is of couse a natual thing that happens in our lifes.
Aussie is old enough to know when things aren't "quite right" and Roo is so intune with how the dynamics of the family are. When theres a change it's reflected in her as well.
Aussie has had to grow up quite a bit since this all began. He's taken on many tasks that childern shouldn't have to take on. He is much more active with his sister. Playing with her when he sees the exhaustion in my face. Not even asking, just looking at me and knowing I am beat. He is much more in tune with me, in terms of how I am feeling. He senses when I am lying about how I feel, and jumps in to do what he can. He still won't clean his room, but as long as he doesn't mind living in their then I leave it alone. My only rule is: no food, no dished, no garbage and make sure laundry is in the laundry room on laundry day. He lost a summer, very little playing outside, or hanging with friends. His time was spent home, helping with his sister and I. For that my heart breaks. I feel I stole that time away from him.
Hubby and I had to make the tough decision to put Roo in daycare. Once Aussie was back in school we quickly realized that I didn't have the health/stamina to deal with her never ending toddle energy and be able to afford myself some time to rest and focus on fighting this disease. It wasa bittersweet decision for me. On one hand I was able to rest knowing she was in great hands. I see now that she is learning and developing by leaps and bounds more than she was at home (hard for me to admit), and on the other hand I miss her so much it hurts me. Everyday I miss her sweet face and crazy energy. Deep down it was the right thing to do until I am either better or at least finished with active treatment, which I am hoping for in the new year.
I never understood the great impact cancer has until having it myself. It pains me that the impact is as wide as it is, and not a day goes by without me feeling the guilt of being at the centre of it all.
5 months ago