Thyroid Cancer - Its NOT the Good Kind

2012 is bringing changes!

2012-02-02T02:00:00.008-05:00

A tearful conversation with my mom about my recent emotions, as well as a candid one with my hubby, brought about a lot of thoughts on how I can feel better. I spoke to both of them openly about how hurt I had been by a couple of people I thought were friends. I can see very clearly they are not anymore, and was struggling with that. I was also struggling very deeply with mixed feeling after being cleared by my dr. Finding out my cancer was gone was really a shock to my system and I haven't been coping as one would expect to such amazing, life altering news.

A couple of weeks have passed and I am not the big weepy mess of confusion I last wrote about anymore, but rather I am inspired to feel better by being better. Basically I am going to push down the negative thoughts and feelings and immerse myself in my ability to see the positive in any situation.

I don't do resolutions but I decided after these conversations that this is what I will strive for this year.

I will no longer let bullies make me feel bad. I'll kill 'em with kindness instead.
I will stop worrying about how other people feel about me and learn to love myself again.
I will think of 5 things that make me smile every time I feel negative thoughts bubbling up
I will push myself to see the good in every situation, no matter how tough it is.
I will allow myself to move past my illness.
I will begin making small steps to get out of my house more often, and work through the anxiety.
I will make myself a household binder to get myself on track and on a schedule.
I will continue being the best mom I can be and work towards being a less dependent wife.
I will actively work on my blogging and keep current.
I will make a plan on how to achieve my writing dreams and create a timeline to motivate me.
I will put positivity out in order to see it return to me.

It's a list in progress as I am sure I will be adding things as my mind races with thoughts on self improvement. Even though it's only been a couple weeks I have let a lot of negative things go. Like friendships that have clearly faded. I'm finally OK with that. I spent a lot of time pondering what I may have done wrong but now I know in my heart that it really doesn't matter. Those people have shown themselves and my true friends are still right here with me through thick and thin they are the ones who deserve my focus.

Life has been much sweeter these past two weeks, and I know it's only going to get better as I work to find a new, post cancer, normal.

Shouldn't I be happy?

2012-01-08T01:38:00.005-05:00

I can't sleep. I feel ashamed of myself. I'm hurting emotionally and I have no reason to be.

I know that the fact that I am cancer free is still fresh news, but I think I should feel happy. But I don't. I feel everything but happy. I feel sad, scared, depressed, anxious, and angry. Everything BUT happy.

WTF is wrong with me? Am I broken? Who finds out their battle with cancer is finally over and spends 4 solid days crying? Me. Why? No idea.

I have kept this emotional upheaval a secret from everyone but then my mom called me and I completely fell apart on the phone. Granted there were other factors involved that had me feeling a bit emotional, but for the most part it was all over my confusion from being cancer free. I bawled while I talked to my mom, and she didn't sound the least bit surprised that I was feeling this way. She was very kind and supportive of me, explaining that it was going to take time to sink in.

All I know is I feel horrible for not being anything but happy. I'll talk to my therapist about it and see if I'm normal or not.

The honest truth is that I just don't know what to do now. How do I move forward? Cancer has consumed my life, my calendar, my medicine cabinet and so much more, and now it's just gone. So what now?

I'm a Survivor!

2012-01-04T22:08:00.002-05:00

Wow, Yesterday I had my follow up appointment to find out the status of my cancer. As I wrote in my last post I was scared to death of metastasis. I felt quite certain it had spread. I don't even know that I have grasped what the Dr. told me yet. After meeting my mom, who was kind enough to come with me in case I got bad news, the Doctor go down to business explaining my cancer marker levels at each interval from the past two and a half years. Basically while my level is still not a zero it was low enough that I am safely considered:

CANCER-FREE!!!

Yes! That's right I am finally over this shit! I don't know how to react. I think I'm still kind of numb. I had to ask the doctor 20 times "are you sure?" She was please to tell me she was sure and she commended me on sticking it out, acknowledging that it was a longer battle than the majority of thyroid cancer patients endure. She also encouraged me to go see my family doctor so that we can discuss the pain and other issues that were causing me such concern. She said that it's great that it's not caused by the cancer but that it still needs to be checked out. I will certainly follow up with him, but really who cares about all that? All I know is I have a new lease on life and 2012 is my year!!!

I am a survivor!

Going "hypo"

2011-12-16T10:34:00.046-05:00

For the past few months I've noticed I have an increase in pain, tingly hands and feet, severe exhaustion caused by my long bouts of insomnia among other strange little issues. For the past 6.5 weeks (since November 1st) I've been going hypothyroid to prepare for a whole body scan. I was unable to get Thyrogen as it is in shortage STILL, so my Dr's decided I could no longer wait for it and ordered me to go hypothyroid the old fashioned way.

For those of you wondering what it means to "go hypo" here's an explanation:

Everyone`s body requires thyroid hormone, a hormone taken in synthetic form once the thyroid has been surgically removed. Without this thyroid hormone, the body produces an increasing amount of thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH). An elevated TSH of at least 30 mIU/L is needed for the RAI treatment to be effective. To achieve this rise in TSH, we must stop taking our thyroid hormone replacement pills, or have our TSH stimulated by taking Thyrogen, a medication given by injection. Going hypothyroid by hormone withdrawal, involves stopping our synthetic T4 for many weeks prior to RAI-radiation treatment. During the time that T4 is stopped. ‘Going hypo’ is a gradual process with the thyroid hormone changes occurring slowly over the weeks with out T4. The longer we are off of thyroid hormone T4, the more symptoms we experience and the worsen with each passing day.

When you go "hypo" these are the side effects you can anticipate.

Fatigue
Sluggishness
Increased sensitivity to cold
Constipation
Pale, dry skin
A puffy face
Hoarse voice
An elevated blood cholesterol level
Unexplained weight gain
Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
Muscle weakness
Heavier than normal menstrual periods
Brittle fingernails and hair
Depression

The first week or two weren't bad actually but after that I began going down hill. The only benefit I found was that since I hadn't been sleeping in months, the exhaustion from being "hypo" changed that and I was sleeping better. I also already had some of these side effects prior for one reason or another but they worsened and I developed many others. So it has been a long couple of months and next week I go for the Radiation and a few days later the scan. I should know more by early January.

Hoping and praying it's not spread, but preparing myself for the worst just in case. I've always had bad news so I'm not about to let my hopes get up only to have them dashed by a Dr. dishing out bad news.

Fun way to spend Halloween

2011-10-31T08:14:00.001-04:00

I have a busy day today I somehow wound up with my Appointment on Halloween. How unfair is that? At any rate I must go. I've been feeling rather unwell lately (more than normal). So I called them to discuss it. I can explain how I've been feeling and see if they think it's worrisome. I believe it is and I believe they need to find a way to let me go hypothyroid so I can be scanned. My Dr's prefer to hold off on going hypothyroid in hopes that Thyrogen will become available but it's been in shortage for so very long. My health concerns are serious enough that I am going to demand that they figure it out and stop waiting.

I constantly worry that the cancer has spread while we've sat here doing nothing but wait for Thyrogen. Frankly I'm tired of doing nothing!

Today all that ends and I'm going in there guns blazing.

Depression

2011-09-14T10:29:00.000-04:00

For years I kept all my issues to myself. Always remaining tight lipped and bottled up. I talked with no one but my husband. One thing I have learned from having cancer is that it's ok to need help. Now more than ever I believe that knowing other people have walked your shoes and survived is very helpful. So many women have helped me though my struggles by sharing their stories with me. Whether it was Postpartum Depression/anxiety or cancer related. Every single person who has poured their heart out to me has helped me.

I suffer from depression and severe anxiety.

Every. Single. Day.

It all started after my Daughter "Roo" was born. In February 2008 the nurse called to come for a visit. "Sure thing! Come on over!" My husband was still home with me, having taken a month off to help me after a very difficult c-section. I remember greeting the nurse and welcoming her into my immaculate home. I had stayed up ALL night cleaning and making sure things were acceptable for her scrutiny. I was exhausted, and felt miserable but I knew it would pass so I plastered a big dreamy "I-love-my-life smile onto my heavily made up face. She sat with us, asking questions about the baby and her routines, and how my delivery was along with how I was healing. I spoke honestly about that stuff but everything else was a lie. When she asked if I felt down, I said no. When she asked if I was sleeping I said yes. When she asked if I had any unusual thoughts or feelings I said no. Then she moved to my husband and explained to him, not to me, what PPD was and what to look for. In other words she gave me the cliff notes version of what to keep hidden from everyone so they wouldn't know something was very wrong with me. Then she smiled, said everything looks wonderful, wished us well with our newly expanded family and went on her way leaving little more than a card behind.

Months went by and I remembered every little detail she told my husband to watch for, and those were the things I stifled. If I needed to cry I went for a shower so I could cry without glaring eyes. If I was feeling anxious over unfinished housework I would lie in bed breathing slowly and quietly until I knew the rest of the house was asleep then I would get back up and take care of it keeping a watchful eye on the time so I could make sure to get back into bed no less that 30 minutes before the alarm was to go off. In my heart I knew a good mom can get all the housework laundry etc done AND be an involved and active parent who plays with their child, goes for walks, and attends mommy & baby classes and regular playgroup dates. So that's what I did. I played perfect mom during the day, and stayed up at night doing the chores. I rarely slept and that was ok, because I was honestly scared that "they" would take my kids away if I wasn't doing everything right.

Eventually I began having a hard time holding it all together. I can remember standing at the door, baby upstairs screaming and I was begging my husband to please just stay home. He brushed me off saying he needed to make money and couldn't stay home. He walked out the door and I crumpled to the floor sobbing. I sat there for hours before I realized that if I left the baby crying any longer the neighbors would call "someone" and "they" would take her away from me.

It got so bad that after living like this and hiding what was wrong for 8 months I had an emotional break. I totally lost it. After all was said and done I took to my local mommies forum and wrote this anonymously:

Hello- I have been feeling very out of sorts lately and I don't know what to do.
I am a wife and mom 2 two kids. THey are the bright spot in an otherwise bleak day. My infant cries non stop and I can't even step into the kitchen to get a drink without ear piercing sobs. I cuddle my baby and spend lots of time playing and singing etc but by the time DH gets home I really need a break from it and I ask nicely for a few minutes to myself to get dinner made in peace. My problem is that until recently I have been keeping up this front and faking that I am great when the truth is I am far from it. I am stressed out about so many things that I don't know what the biggest issue is anymore.
My home life is horrible because of outside contributing issues from other family members. (My husband and kids are wonderful and I love them so much!)
Money is tight and I am scared of not making my payments.
I never get a good nights sleep and I am constantly do everything while I get no offers of help. Example: last week I broke down and asked DH if he could bathe the baby and he asked why I hadn't done it earlier that day. I was super busy with groceries and the baby and dinner and housework so I thought it could wait until DH was home. I begged him to just give me a break. I didn't have the energy to di ti myself and I wouldn't have enough time in the morning to do it. He said no problem he'd take care of it. I went out for a walk with a friend for 1 hour (stopped at the store for lunch things at DH's request while walking). When I got back I watched tv for a bit then headed to bed. I asked Dh ihow her bath was, he said he didn't get to it. I was so angry I went to bed and quietly cried out of hurt and frustration.
A week of the same thing goes by, yesterday the baby refused to eat anything all day this led to a trip to the clinic to be sure all is fine. I am in there for over 2 hours. The baby screamed the whole time. I was litterally at my witts end. When DH got home from work I broke down in tears and begged him to help me. I explained that I feel like I am drowning and no one is there to help me. I even said that if he didn't start helping me more then he would ge tthe opportunity to see what its like to do it all himself, because I was ready to take a knife to my wrist. GASP!!! yes I said it, I really didn't mean it but I needed him to get it. I don't know whay I said it but out it flew. Then all of the sudden I couldn't breathe and I was having extreme pain in my chest this went on for about 20 minutes, I was close to going to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack.
I am normally very composed and "together". But the facade is begining to crack.
I booked an apointment with my dr. but she can't seem me for a couple of weeks. I know most of my problems are common but I was always able to deal with them, but now they seems so much worse and harder for me to cope with.

I just don't know what to do to get back to the old me.

I had had my first major panic attack. I truly thought I was dying and that the world was closing in on me. I am very blessed to have had an amazing woman reach out to me to suggest that it could be PPD, and either way she would love for me to come to a meeting that she was running for moms struggling after having a baby. I went twice, sat in my car scared to face and admit what I had known all along. I was sick, severely broken. I never even got out of my car those first 2 times. I drove straight back home. The 3rd time I got to the door and was about to turn back for my car when the door pulled open, and a woman was standing there. She knew right away who I was an hugged me long and hard. I just stayed in her arms crying for what seemed like forever. It was instantly comfortable. I didn't speak much at the first meeting but I heard storied from the other women, some were like me and others were very different. But we all had the same thing in common, something changed in us after our child was born. I attended those meeting for a very long time. So long that I felt funny going because my DD was over a year old. They helped me through Dr's appointments, medication change after medication change and all the does increases that went along with them. They were my strength when I had none of my own.

Eventually I found the medication that made me feel closest to my old self and was doing much better for about 6 weeks. Then in June 2009 I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer, sending me back into a spiraling mess.

My life has never been the same. What has changed was the diagnosis, after 2 years with the PPD/PPA label, my diagnosis was changed to generalized depression and severe anxiety. Along with that came visits to a therapist and psychiatrist to help me to worth through old unresolved issues, and to learn my triggers and some coping mechanisms, and I'm on the edge of a new diagnosis. I still struggle, I still feel like much of my life is under a blanket of fog but thanks to one person reaching out to me way back then I was able to connect with other people suffering like I was and the world seems a little smaller, and I felt a little bit less alone in my struggles.

In light of the rash of suicides I want to urge you to be proactive with your friends and family and even people you may not know well. Many people suffer in silence, walking around with a big smile and lots of happy words when they are deeply hurting. If something seems wrong it probably is. Please take a moment and offer your help. YOU could be the one voice that saves a life in crisis.

Thyroid Cancer Awareness Month

2011-09-06T12:54:00.005-04:00

September is

Thyroid Cancer Awareness
month.

It is a cause that is very close to my heart because I have been battling it since I was diagnosed in June 2009. So rather than tell you about my cancer (you can read it here) I want to dedicate this post to awareness. I want YOU to know what you need to do to be proactive.

I know what you're saying... "But I'm already busy buying daffodils, planning a 'stache for Movember, Hosting a Girls Night In, Running for the Cure, and feeling my boobies, and the list goes on."

I completely agree! With so many people being diagnosed with so many kinds of Cancer it's really hard to keep on top of all the initiatives to keep us safe. Cancer awareness can be a full time job, but I promise you this; as someone who has had it for over two years, spending time on awareness and self checks is NOTHING compared to how much of your life you can lose if you yourself are diagnosed. Sadly if you ignore your health and choose not to play a proactive role in your well being the only alternative is playing a reactive role, and dealing with it when it might be too late.

Beause my story is one of Thyroid Cancer I am urging you to please do this for me:

Check Your Neck!

There are many ways to do this. One is a self exam. Easily done in 5 minutes. FIVE minutes!!! There is no excuse please do it. Right now. For me. If something's not quite right you'll know.

The second is to schedule an appointment with your Dr and request that he or she take a few minutes at your appointment to check your neck for you.

If you are in the Greater Toronto Area, I urge you to come down with your family to Thyroid Cancer Canada's event "Neck Check". They will have Drs. Irving Rosen and Raymond Ng on hand to do a check of your neck and answer your questions. It's happening THIS Saturday at Sherway Gardens Mall between 9:30am-6:00pm. Click here to register.

If you are in Calgary AB there's an event for you too!

Wanted to let you know about our event in Calgary AB Canada:
Neck Check Run/Walk
for Thyroid Cancer Awareness

Where: Calgary, AB
Date: Saturday, September 24, 2011
Time: 9:00 am
To register go to: http://www.events.runningroom.com/site/?raceId=7099

I also have a favour to ask; please take a moment to share this, tweet this, like it, whatever you need to do to get the word out there. Everyone needs to know!

Cancer Drug-Thyrogen in continued shortage

2011-08-19T08:37:00.001-04:00

It's been a while since I updated on the Thyrogen shortage happening in Canada. I am including all the letters so that new readers can see the situation from beginning to the current announcement.

I am now at a point that I will be making an appointment to speak to my Dr's about allowing me to go "hypo" under close medical observation. Hypo is not a safe option for me because I have a heart condition, however sitting here with cancer still in my body for months and months of doing nothing is (in my opinion) also not a safe option. I stress constantly that the cancer is growing and that I'll get terminal before Thyrogen is available. Now I know that seems dramatic, and scary, but it's where my mind goes and I can't help having these kinds of fears. I just want to move forward in my treatment and at least feel like we're doing something, anything to keep moving in the right direction.

I am really disgusted that this shortage is continuing this long. Does anyone even care that people like me are sitting here with CANCER doing NOTHING to get better? They need to get their shit together and get this shortage solved. AS it sits now We could be waiting until spring of 2012. If my hunch is correct, we'll get ANOTHER shortage letter at that time.

Now for the letters the first is Dated Nov 2010 with the most recent being July 2011. For the current status please skip right to the last letter.

So excited to share!

2011-08-15T09:39:00.001-04:00

I have huge news! I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. Let me just get it over with:

"She's Connected" is an exclusive conference with Canada's 200 top digitally connected women, and brands who want to connect with them. Some of you may have heard of it and other are probably thinking "huh?". This conference is a really big deal to me. I have so much to learn from the amazing section of women I have been chosen with. I also have lots to share with them. This is not a conference you can easily buy your way into by purchasing a ticket. It is invite only, and I am humbled to have been grouped among women of this caliber. The speakers are amazing this year with my personal favorite being Celebrity Chef Christine Cushing she truly is "Fearless" in the kitchen. I could learn a thing or two from her.

Ok, I could really go on and on about this, but suffice it to say; this conference is important, it's a huge event and I still can't believe I was selected!!

For more info on the conference click here: She's Connected

Now I have to figure out what I will wear! Anyone wanna help me come up with conference outfits for a plus size woman??

No more cancer

2011-07-19T19:45:00.000-04:00

In the last post I expressed my health concerns and I am very fortunate to say that the tests came back conclusive. It's not a new cancer! It's still yucky and I'll have to decide which treatment to go with but I was diagnosed with a menstrual disorder called menorhagia/hypermenorrhea. Basically it's excessive and prolonged bleeding. Which is why it gets so bad that I went severely anemic and required hospitalization and a blood transfusion.

So now what. I am given the choice of 3 things:
1.) Try an IUD to see if it regulates the bleeding- in many women it does.
2.) A uterine abalation
3.) A hysterectomy

After having gone through so much already; medically speaking I think I am leaning toward trying the IUD it's less invasive, but not guaranteed. The only sure thing is the hysterectomy and I'm not ready to deal with everything that comes along with that. Major surgery (again) followed by early menopause doesn't seem like my best bet right now, although it looks quite likely at some point if the IUD does work as well as we're hoping.

Now to find out if insurance will cover the cost of the IUD, theyre over $300 otherwise.

Where I'm at

2011-06-18T17:05:00.001-04:00

As you may have read in the last post I've been having some medical issues lately. To be specific I have bleeding for 2.5 months now. It began like every other period, only it didn't end when it should have, it just kept going and going, getting heavier and more brutal to the point I was hemorrhaging. The blood was thin, almost like water, and I was soaking through tampons in 20 minutes. I have had a terrible backache that just won't go away and had been hospitalized on Easter for a severely swollen left leg. Finally I went to my Dr. to describe all the issues, he sent me for tests. Luckily the bleeding had stopped by last Thursday, just in time for me to do the blood work. Monday I went for ultrasounds including a trans vaginal ultrasound. I was in the office, in pain, feeling uncomfortable and awkward but knowing it needed to be done. Monday after I got home I got the call that I needed to go in right away for the blood work results. I asked if it could wait until they received the ultrasound results. I didn't want to go for 2 separate appointments. She told me she would check with the Dr and call me back. When she did she was adamant that I must come in right away. So in I went, not knowing what to expect. AS I sat there the Dr told me that she hadn't yet received the ultrasound results but that the blood work revealed something very urgent. My Hemoglobin was dangerously low and likely even lower that they were on Thursday. I was told to take copies of the labs and head straight to the ER. ON the way out the office manger yelled for me to wait because my ultrasound had just come in and she would have the Dr review them and see me in a couple minutes. I was called back in 12 minutes later. She told me that several things were found. First they could see I had gall stones that were not yet bothersome but would likely require surgical removal at some point. Second, that I had some cysts and fibroids, ok, so far I am not worried. Then she dropped a massive bomb on me. My endometrial lining is grossly thickened. Which means one of two things. First possibility is Endometriosis. They find this a bit unlikely because it should have been noted when I was pregnant with Roo, but it was not, also I have none of the classic symptoms of Endometriosis, like the severe pain that goes along with it. The second , is uterine cancer. My symptoms coincide with this possibility so needless to say I am scared to death. I will have to have a biopsy to confirm, but all likelihood is that, at minimum I will require a full hysterectomy.

On the way out I was reminded to head straight to the ER.

I did, and was pleased that things moved very quickly. They tested my hemoglobin and it had fortunately risen by 2 points. So they sent me home telling me that if the bleeding started again to come directly back. By the next morning it had started and was as bad as it was before. I set things in place to have someone watch my kids so I could head off to the ER. I slowly got worse and worse as the day went on. My hemoglobin had dropped by 4 point since 24 hours prior. They were very concerned and ordered a transfusion right away. I was given two units of blood and it took forever. It was cold and a bit painful. but my husband was with me holding my hand and my parents (long separated) were united in their concern for me. I saw the worry in my dad's eyes and the helplessness in my moms as she brushed the hair of my forehead and tried her best to comfort me.

We're all scared, but all I can do is wait until the biopsy is done. Then I'll begin making plans depending on the diagnosis.

That's where I'm at.

hiding out of fear

2011-06-08T16:12:00.004-04:00

Well I know I've been kind of absent from everything, school, family, social media... The fact is I've been hiding. Trying to avoid crying or getting angry. For over 2 months now I've had some medical issues that when combined are looking like my cancer may have spread. It could be side effects from not having a thyroid and not having my meds regulated still after all this time. But my doctors are concerned, which makes me scared. So I was scheduled to have some very invasive tests done and they begin tomorrow.

I'm not sure why I do this. Just when I need people the most I pull away and hide. I wish I was better at asking for help, I wish I was better at letting people in when things are rough. I'm not good at these things.

Tomorrow I have a bunch of blood drawn so they can start looking at my Thyroglobulin (Tg) again. but the real facts will come after my tests on Monday. It's not pleasant and I wish I could avoid it but frankly uncomfortable tests last a short time, the discomfort you feel from having cancer is much worse so better to just get it over with. I've hated waiting to have the tests done but now at least I'll have answers.

Again it could be nothing but the feeling I have in my gut is just like the feeling I had in the beginning, right before I was officially diagnosed with cancer.

Sadly as I was looking at the calendar to mark Mondays appointments off I realized something. By the time I am getting the result it will be my 2 year anniversary since the day I was diagnosed. It was June 30th 2009. For some reason once I recognized that date was close last year, I fell into a rough patch of depression. I am scared that I am at the beginning of the same slide right now.

I spent a large part of the day crying today, my crying turned to rage. I know now that I am angry again.

Angry that I have cancer
Angry that not all that long ago I was told there was only a trace amount of cancer showing on my scan.
Angry that it has ruined a lot of parts of my life.
Angry that it nearly destroyed my marriage.
Angry that my treatment is on hold because the drug company fucked up and the drug I need has been on shortage for a very long time.
Angry that my cancer might have spread
Angry that I have to be scared for the rest of my life (even once I am cancer free)
Angry that I have had cancer for almost 2 years when many people with the same cancer are cleared in a much faster time.
Angry that I feel so angry, when I have been blessed with so much in my life.

I am so sick and tired of being scared. I just want my life back. It's my life!!!!!!!!!!
Is that really so much to ask and pray for?

?

Check your neck

2011-05-25T11:53:00.001-04:00

Today is World Thyroid Day.

Did you know the butterfly shaped glad had it's own day? Well I did, but I have become a bit of an expert when it comes to the thyroid. Having had Thyroid Cancer for nearly two years I have made it my mission to know as much as I can. You can read my story here on my blog, you can google thyroid cancer or you can ask around but let me save you some time and tell you a few things you likely don't know.

FACT: The fastest growing cancer among women is Thyroid Cancer

FACT: Many patients, especially in the early stages of thyroid cancer, do not experience symptoms.

FACT: The symptoms can mask themselves as common issues such as a cold. The symptoms included: a lump or nodule in the front of the neck, hoarseness or difficulty speaking, swollen lymph nodes, difficulty swallowing or breathing, and pain in the throat or neck.

FACT: Thyroid Cancer is only one of many issues people struggle with when it comes to their thyroid. I blog specifically about Thyroid Cancer and the resulting Hypothyroidism but here is the whole list, click to read more about each one:

Congenital Hypothyroidism
Graves' Disease
Hashimoto's Disease
Hyperthyroidism
Hypothyroidism
Postpartum Thyroiditis
Thyroid Cancer
Thyroid Nodules

I want you to check your neck today! Then make it a part of your regular medical routine. When you "feel your boobies" remember to also check your neck!

Here are the simple steps to check your neck:

1.) Stand in front of a mirror, so that you can see your neck without any obstruction. Take off scarves, neckties, turtlenecks, so your view of your neck area is clear.

2.) Stretch your neck back, chin toward the ceiling.

3.) With your neck still stretched back, drink a glass of water.

4.) Check your neck, looking for any enlargement in the thyroid area.

5.) Feel the area around the thyroid to see if you can detect any enlargement, bumps or lumps.

6.) If a problem is detected, see a doctor

PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE TO MAKE YOURSELF AWARE

THEN, CHECK YOUR NECK

My blog and I are stylish!

2011-05-18T09:49:00.000-04:00

I just found out that It's Not The Good Kind won me a stylish blogger award! Love that! Thanks Robin! I am truly honoured!

Check it out here!

Cancer Stories - Remembering my aunt

2011-04-21T15:03:00.005-04:00

Submitted by: Tunde Nyarfadi. Tunde is Natural Light Photographer in York Region.
Website: http://tny-photography.blogspot.com/
Twitter name: @TNy_Photography
Follow her: TNy on Facebook

"Hi, I am here to share my story of how I have been touched by cancer. I am lucky, touch wood, fingers crossed, I do not have cancer. I am really blessed and lucky to say this, unlike many other people.

I was about 18 years old when I found my aunt, my father's sister, had brain tumor. She was only 37 years old, young, beautiful woman. I do not have much memory of speaking to any of may family members about it a lot. It was something really scary to think about, something awful I did not want to deal with in any way. I tried to block it out of my mind and just pretend it is not there. Thinking of it now, I feel like I was a coward.

My aunt was always a bubbly person, she had 2 children she left behind. Those children needed her. She needed them too.

I do not like to go to hospitals, really, who does? I do not like to go to funerals. I actually refuse to go to funerals. You may ask why. Allow me to tell you.

After my Aunt had a few chemo therapies and was taking really hard drugs, she did not look like herself at all. One day I visited her at home after she got out of the hospital and I was shocked, Was it the same person I saw? Was this woman my aunt, I wondered as I stood in the doorway petrified. I did not want to move closer to her. She did not know who we were. She was sitting in a armchair in her living room, with a scarf on her head. She lost all her beautiful hair. The scarf was more than an accessory. It was covering up more than just a head. Her face was all swollen.

She had some sort of a furry thing on the arm of the chair and I remember her calling it a cat...she was delusional. That was the moment when I decided I do not want to see her like this. This person in front of me is NOT my aunt, it can not be. This is when I knew I did not want to remember her like that. I wanted her to be in my memory as when she was healthy. That is all, healthy, not young, not beautiful, not old, not ugly, just a healthy person.

I saw her in my dreams a few times just sitting in her chair, her head covered with a scarf. Shortly after she passed away I went to England to be a Au-pair. I stayed with my father's godmother who looked very much like my aunt. When I arrived at her house with my uncle, she was sitting in her kitchen. She just washed her hair and had a towel on her head. She looked like my late aunt. When she got up to great me I did not cry happy tears to see her,. I had tears in my eyes because I saw my father's sister in her.

I did not go to her funeral. I do not go to funerals. It is not a lack of respect, it is a way of protesting against death, that I have no control over, but at least I can remember people the way I want ....they way when they were happy and alive."

Cancer Stories - Becoming a mom without a mom

2011-04-18T11:09:00.004-04:00

Submitted by: Marci Warhaft-Nadler. Marci is the creator of Fit vs Fiction, She travels the country inspiring young men and women to be who they want to be, and not who they think they're supposed to be
Website: http://www.fitvsfiction.com/
Twitter name: @Fit_vs_Fiction
Follow her: Fit vs Fiction on Facebook

"I was about 1.5 hours into my flight from Montreal to Vancouver, when a flight attendent reached over my lap to grab the"empty" coffee cup from the passenger seated next to me. Unfortunately, the cup wasn't empty at all and I ended up being covered with spilled coffee! I think the flight attendent was expecting a reaction from me, I just don't think she was expecting the one she got.Instead of being angry, I started to cry, REALLY cry; actually I started bawling my eyes out! She looked at me like I was a bit insane, my reaction seemed a bit over the top. What she didn't realize however, was that I wasn't crying because I'd have to spend the rest of the flight covered in wet coffee or because the coffee had stained the brand new maternity dress I was wearing.

I was crying because I had just come from seeing my mom for the last time before Breast Cancer would her away from me.I knew the Cancer was back and it was aggressive, but she had kept from me just how Bad the situation was, because I was pregnant for the 3rd time, after suffering through 2 miscarriages, and she did not want to risk upsetting me. My mom was a single parent most of my life and we were as close as a mother and daughter could be. She was my hero and my best friend and she wanted so badly for me to experience the gift of motherhood and did not want to upset me.

When she couldn't keep things from me anymore, I got the call to come home and I left on the first flight available. I had just enough time to tell her I loved her, show her ultrasound pictures of the grandchild she'd never get to meet and tell her he'd be named in her honor. Saying goodbye to her was devestatingly painful and I was afraid that if I let myself truly believe what was happening, it would be too much for me to handle. I feared that if I started crying, I wouldn't stop and was trying to be as brave and strong for the son I was carrying as I felt I needed to be.

When the poor flight attendent accidentally let the coffee spill from the cup, it was like every emotion just came pouring out of me with it. I was crying for the mother I lost but still needed.

It's been 13 years and I miss her every day,I have 2 sons now and we talk about their grandmother often, they know how loving and fun she was and how she's watching them from Heaven during every soccer game they play or Tae Kwon Do match they win.

A friend of mine lost her mom to breast cancer 25 years ago, I lost mine 13 years ago and have a friend battling it now. Still waiting for a cure....."

Marci and her mom, Shirley

Expanding

2011-04-17T15:19:00.003-04:00

After careful thought about the direction I would like this blog to go, I've decided I would like to expand. I would like to add a section dedicated to sharing other peoples view on cancer and how it has affected them. It does not have to be Thyroid Cancer.

What I am looking for: Guest bloggers, who are willing to contribute their story. The details of how they were affected by cancer. These days so many people have a "cancer story" and I would like to create a section where others can read different perspectives. If you have, or had cancer, if you have had a friend or family member with cancer, your story can help someone going through it right now. We all know how it can feel isolating and by sharing your story you can help other to feel less alone. What I need are REAL stories, filled with emotion, what you felt/feel, how you reacted, what you have learned.

Please email me your submission to The_thompsonfamily@yahoo.ca
Include the following information:
Your name (or online identity):
Your blog:
A photo (avatar of you or a photo that represents your story)
Twitter name:
Your story:

Once the new section has been created, your story will be included. Thanks for helping me with this new section of my blog. I assure you, your story will help others.

I have to talk about it

2011-04-17T11:32:00.003-04:00

I've tried to keep all health issues off this blog except for the cancer itself. Now I am beginning to believe that one of the issues I've been struggling with is directly affected, and I have to talk about it.I touched on it in a couple of post but never really worte about it in detail.

Depression. I know you see that word and instantly get uncomfortable. Even the word makes me uncomfortable. I'm sorry that there is such a stigma attached with that label. It makes people view me differently and if make me view myself differently.

Depression was always something I worried about. It runs rampant in my family,even if some haven't been diagnosed and treated, many have. I always knew deep down that my happy days were numbered and that eventually it would get me too. Then I had my daughter, "Roo" life was perfect, I had my boy and now my girl. I got up every day looked at myself in the mirror and called myself a fake. I recognized the face in the mirror but not the person. The person I saw was smiling and happy and doing it all! Housework, errands, kids/family and doing it with ease. The person that I knew was a fraud. None of it was real. Just beneath the surface of that smile was an angry woman, hating herself, the circumstances and life in general. I internally wished my husband would realize something was terribly wrong with me, but yet I made choices that kept the dirty secret hidden. In the shower I ~~cried~~ sobbed until my bones ached. then I got out, got dressed nicely, applied just enough makeup to cover the dark circles under my exhausted eyes. Giving myself a pep talk in the mirror, a reminder that if I didn't keep it all together "they" would take my kids away. Afterwards I walked out of the bathroom dressed and composed and ready to fake my way through another day. Not knowing that carefully crafted facade was days away from a hairline fracture.

During a conversation with my husband I let my guard down for a split second and asked him to stay home. He laughed it off told me not to be silly and headed to work. I sat down and cried. The facade had cracked ever so slightly. It was a small crack but one that was ready to blow. A few days went by and once again I felt like I needed help but didn't know how to ask for it. I asked my hubby to please stay home with me. Again he explained that financially we couldn't afford it and that he couldn't just stay home because I wanted him to. Out of frustration I snapped. The rage flew out, the anger took over and I warned him that if he left something bad might happen. I have no idea what that meant. I wasn't thinking about self harm or hurting our child, but I needed him to know that something was wrong with me. He was so shocked and upset that I would even say such a thing. He told me he thought maybe I should go see my Dr. I didn't. What I did was the one thing I enjoyed most. I wrote about what happened and how I was feeling on a local "mommy forum". What happened next was the best thing imaginable in my situation. The person who replied was so caring and compassionate. She really seemed to understand what I was was feeling. She urged me to come out to a support group for women dealing with Post Partum Mood issues. Deep down I knew that was what was wrong with me so after a few attempts to go I finally made it. I walked through the door and wept in the arms of the woman who was running it. I got real advice and people understood me, I felt safe there. Eventually I did go to my Doctor and was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression (PPD) and anxiety. Over time we tried different meds and finally after a very long struggle with PPD I started to get better. People commented that it was nice to see the old me again, nice to see me smile, just nice to be around me again.

6 weeks after that fog began to lift I was slammed with the news that I had cancer.

Nearly 3 years after my diagnosis of PPD and PPA I am still struggling with it. No longer does it fit into the Post Partum category. Now it's just clinical depression and anxiety. I am in a scary place right now as the "experts" are trying to work on my diagnosis and meds. For me it's a chicken vs. egg situation. We all know that the thyroid plays a huge role in our mood, so what came first? The depression or the cancer, could the cancer have caused it all? I'll never know. but I know I'm still angry, and I still hurt, and life is a struggle, but one that I am willing to fight for. I'll never give up. I've been through too much and survived to just give up.

I can feel it

2011-03-07T11:11:00.004-05:00

After dealing with having cancer for nearly 2 years, and losing my zest for life I am finally starting to see that I'm on my way back! I have interest again! Not necessarily in anything specific just in being alive in general. During my illness I had a complete loss of interest in everything. I know how this sounds, but yes, I even lost interest in my social life, my children and even just being alive. I guess I just kind of gave up everything to focus on having cancer. Not beating it, just having it. My life got very dark and meaningless. I pulled myself out of bed each morning out of obligation. I had kids, I had things I HAD to do, but when the day was done and my family was asleep, I let go and cry, ALL the time. I felt sorry for myself, felt sad for my kids and how confusing it all is for them, took pitty on my friends who were already very busy and were now making meals, taking me to appointments, babysitting for me and spending their time worrying about me. I wrote letters to loved ones telling them things I wanted them to know in the event I would die. I thought about all the things I hadn't yet done that I wish I could have, and turned it into a list of things I should have done.

So for me to look at the past couple of months I can recognize the signs. I AM WINNING! Not in the crazy-ass Charlie Sheen kind of way, but in the way that tells me and people around me I am on my way back. I am no longer just a cancer patient, I am still working on kicking cancer, but My Dr's have told me I am almost a sure thing now! Tests are showing only trace amounts and it's looking really good that I will be better soon! I had treatment scheduled for March, due to a medication shortage of one of the drugs I require, I've been pushed back to July but after that I am hoping to hear the words I've been fighting for! Cancer Free!

Remember that list I mentioned? Well, it's now been retitled. It's now called "Things worth living for" and include so many amazing things! Some as silly as make mud pies and jump in puddles with Roo & give dating advice to Aussie, but it also has big ones, like start a business, change up my style to find a new "look", speak in public, and beat cancer!

How do I know I am bouncing back? I see it in my interest in looking forward. In recognizing I have a future to plan for now! I am getting up and caring how I look, I am on the floor playing like a fool with my toddler- "Roo", I am talking about College options with my teen- Aussie and not just for him, but for ME too! We're both going!

Speaking of school, I never graduated from high school (read about it HERE) it was a sore spot for me, but I made the decision to go back and get my diploma (this is on my list!). Take something that bothered me and rectify it. This is another sign that the old me is returning (or perhaps a new version of the old me is currently evolving). I have spent the past couple of years relinquishing all responsibility for making decision to "Hubs". I think I shocked my family by working this one out and making the decision completely on my own.

The final tip that I know I am bouncing back, is that I am actively seeking like minded people to surround myself with. How can I not become great if I am surrounded by it constantly! Surely it's bound to rub off right? They say that positivity is infectious, so I wanna catch it! I think I already have! Can you tell?

I might have cancer, but I've NEVER been more alive!

Gone is my song...

2011-02-15T10:17:00.000-05:00

Ever have a song that seems to push you through tough times? I do... well did. It seems I no longer have the need for the song anymore. Just listened to it and had no more positive response to it. Guess it's just a reminder of the bad now. Or better yet, a realization that I am getting better. Just gotta let it go.....

I AM GETTING BETTER!!! (that felt good...)

Thyrogen shortage

2011-02-14T12:04:00.001-05:00

So after tonnes of digging, I knew I would find something in writing about this shortage. There is nothing to be found on either Genzymes website nor ton the Thyrogen website. I as a patient requiringthis drug find it somewhat shady that this info has to be a dirty little rumour floating around. So you don't know anything for sure until you go to your pharmacy to fill your script only to be told some genaric info about it not being available. Then what? Treatment is rescheduled? Cancelled?

So I finally got my hands on the info, the letter is addressed to healthcare professionals and was dated in Nov 2010. Causually mentions a the delay will be for a "short period" and advises Dr's to "consider this when scheduling patients".

I spoke with a local Thyrogen rep, who told me I will not be able to fill my script until AFTER May when shipments resume. She could not tell me the reson for the shortage. Her carefully scripted answer let me with more questions than answers.

Here is the letter:

What's your take on the issue?

***************************************************************************

Edited on Feb 15 2011 to add this recently found letter with a slight bit more info. Thanks to Thyroid Cancer Canada for posting it

Before and After cancer photos

2011-02-04T02:15:00.002-05:00

Just thought I would share a pic of me before my diagnosis:

Me before cancer

Me a couple of weeks ago

Raising Funds and Awareness

2011-02-04T00:41:00.001-05:00

Because of my currently ongoing battle with cancer, one of my passions now is helping out where I can to raise funds and awareness for cancer and cancer research. Without our help a cure will never be found.

One of the ways I got involved this year was by teaming up with an organization called Road 2 Recovery. Road2Recovery is an annual event that supports cancer and cancer research. I attended their big fundraising gala and was photographed for their yearly calendar. The calendars are $20 each! What a steal eh?! They can bepurchased from me directly or here:

http://www.road2recovery.net/calendar.html

Wanna see? I am in pink pictured with one of my dear friends. I have since cut my hair and coloured it so I look quite a bit different but rest assured that is me and I would LOVE to be your miss January! lmao

My Cancer

2011-02-04T00:32:00.000-05:00

So at my last BIG appt, I went in expecting the worst news, because that's usually what I get. Instead my Dr. told me she had GOOD NEWS! She said the cancer is almost gone. The levels are so low, in fact, that they were almost undetectable. I wanted to cry.

What that means for me is that if all goes as plans I will need:

*one more time suffering one the Low Iodine Diet.
*Two more injections of Thyrogen
*One more dose of RAI
*another Whole Body Scan

and then I'll have more info, hopefully it will result in my first ever CLEAN SCAN!

I need it soooo badly. I need to kick this cancer's ass and get past it.

My year in review

2011-02-04T00:22:00.001-05:00

Since so much time has passed I'll give you the cliff notes version of what's happened this year.

*I continued going through treatments, and worked really hard to get my meds regulated. From a thyroid standpoint I think I am finally there (or at least really close).

*My depression is another topic. I still fake my way through many a day, but I am more open about it with the people who matter most. I admit it's a challenge I feel like I am failing at. However I am taking ALL steps neccesary to get it under control.

*I still have cancer BUT it's almost gone!!!! I'll blog about that sepreately.

*My sister got married!!! Yay!! When I was struggling to keep my mind on things not cancer related her wedding filled that need! I planned the best wedding shower ever (In my opinion of course!) Check it out if you are so inclined. Here is the post from my other blog. and some of the DIY prep I kept occupied with here in this post

*I'm still not back to work, and I've really struggled with what to do with myself once I hear those all consuming words "Cancer Free"! Keep reading to find out what I wind up doing.

*Hubs got a great new job! I'm so proud of him! He's kept this family afloat while I was ready to give up.

*Roo and Aussie are doing well. I adore them. They are what pulls me through a rough patch!

That's about it... for now.

Thank you.

2011-02-04T00:12:00.000-05:00

I've been gone a long while. I need a break. I needed to stop waiting to die, and let myself live. The year has been rough in many ways. My grandfather passed away after his battle with lung cancer, a friend who was like me in many ways (young wife and mother) lost her battle with cancer, but not before making me realize that I was wasting my life by wallowing in the sadness and anger I had. She was the one who gave me that shocking wakeup call that if I did die, my last time on this earth would have been completely wasted and my family and friends would remember me as a quitter. The moment I read that email from her I stood up to cancer and took my life back. Not long after that another friend also lost her battle. It began getting really hard watching people fight so damned hard only to lose in the end. Good people, brave people and people who even in the midst of their own illness took time to help me see what I was doing to myself.

To Julie and Sandra I will be eternally grateful for your words of wisdom and advice. I wish you were both still here to see your children grow old. One thing I can't get passed is how unfair it all is.

WE NEED A CURE NOW.

I really must go...

2010-03-27T20:11:00.000-04:00

I realize now after the death of a friend (due to cancer) that I need to stop this bullshit. The vicious circle that is my life. happy, sad, happy, mad, happy, depressed. Happy needs to be my norm. While blogging about this has been extrememly cathartic for me, it took a bit of a change a while ago. It all the sudden became what was pulling me down. So now that I know that I need to take a break. Maybe a month, maybe a few, but all I can guarantee is that I will come back with an update.

Thank you all for reading, for finding something here that you needed, or for just helping me to hang on.

I will forever be greatful.

Good bye (for now)

So sorry..

2010-02-23T20:07:00.005-05:00

Appologies for not blogging lately, I've been too busy living..... Trust me that's a good thing! I will return soon!

In the mean time if you wanna know what's kept me busy, check out my other blog: http://snipitsofme.blogspot.com/2010/02/party-time.html

Here's a hint:

Power of positivity

2010-02-17T14:42:00.012-05:00

I have been inspired by so many people around me. The cheerleaders in my real life who remind me to keep going because no matter what they will always be here for me (one of my besties-Laura, who's let me be me in my entirety and been unwavering in her support), the connections I've made in the blogging world (like this amazing woman who emits positivity and humour), a few very important members of my online forum, Thyr'vors, and a woman named Maryanne, who I have never met though I feel as if we are old dear friends.

Sometimes people have no idea how deeply they can affect a person just with their words and simple actions. You have all made a huge difference in my life, and I want to thank you for reminding me who I am and why I fight. Because of the positive attitudes you continue to infect me with I wanted to start doing something positive, occasional messages of affirmation. Whether they be for myself or for others.

I'll kick it off with a message for myself.... (though I suspect many others will benefit from these words too.)

"TODAY I WILL LOVE MYSELF

SCARS AND ALL"

How to live in the moment?

2010-02-16T13:52:00.002-05:00

So if you hadn't noticed, I had a run of bad weeks. I felt like giving up, like nothing I could do was going to make me any better. A thyca survivor, sent me a message with a bit of her story and she has been dealing with thyroid cancer for a very long time n ow. 7 years in total. In fact she said there are lots of people out there like us, who are outside the "norm" in terms of this type of cancer and how long it takes to "deal with". She said her Dr (like mine) also asked her to think of it as a chrinic illness.

When my Dr. told me that we might need to start thinking in terms of my cancer being a chronic illness, I was full of despair, thinking that I might wait a long time to hear the words "cancer-free", was unbareable to me.

Though she explained to me that while she was always in active treatment she had very long gaps of time in between treamtnents. During those times she taught herself to LIVE! That while she did have cancer, and she wouldn't feel 100%, there were many days she did feel pretty good. She learned to be spontaneous and live in the moment. So if she had a good day she would pack a picnic and pick up the kids from school for an impromptu lunch in the park, or call up a girlfriend and grab a coffee and enjoy a good chat over a stroll in the park, among many other things. She tells m that these moments reminded her that life can go one, and it doesn't have to be cancer on the brain all the time. I am not there yet, for me it still consumes my thoughts.

I have decided this is what I want for myself. I want to be able to be ok with not planning waaaaay in advance. I want to be able to be spontaneous. I want to be able to LIVE IN THE MOMENT!!!!

I have no clue how to achieve these things yet. I just know I NEED TO. Now if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to help me out with this goal...

I need to LIVE, but more importantly I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!!!!

Friday spotlight

2010-02-12T13:38:00.000-05:00

Every Friday I spotlight a blog with something that touches me or inspires me.

Today I am putting the spotlight on "Robs" over at Death By Lettuce

She battled thyroid cancer for almost 5 years, begining when she was young. At just 21 she was diagnosed. Over the course of her 5 year fight she had many side effect related surgeries like one for a collapsed/dry tear duct, and one to repair a damaged vocal chord (seems odd to some but for some thyca's they are hard side effects of treatment)

She just couldn't catch a break and had to accept the fact that for her this disease is chronic and not a just a cancer with a quick fix.

I hit her blog today and read the news. Just 5 days shy of what she, (and many others) refer to as, her 5th cancerversary...

SHE'S A SURVIVOR!!!!!! Congratulations girl! You did it! Read her words as she announces it on her blog.

Go share the love and congratulate her on her life changing news!

cancer and depression.... errr.... depression and cancer.

2010-02-10T23:06:00.000-05:00

On the eve of a special day I share this post.

I have never talked about this issue here before, mostly because the illness I had been dealing with prior to my thyca diagnosis, somehow became less important.

5 months after the birth of Roo ( my darling little girl), I had been diagnosed by my doctor with a pretty severe case of Post Partum Depression (PPD) and Post Partum Anxiety (PPA). Finally I knew what was wrong with me and I got help through my Dr., a support group and medications for depression and anxiety. It was a constant struggle but it got easier once I came out and told my family and close friends.

In the support group they talked about how important it was to get your thyroid checked becasue there are a great number of women who deal with post partum thyroid issues causing mood changes. I went to my Dr and he said this wasn't likely the case with me and left my treatment the way it was. Now, don't misunderstand, my Dr is great, but I can't help but wonder if my thyroid had already been under attack by this awful disease.

My question is this Which came first ~~the chicken or the egg~~ the depression or the cancer? I will likely never know but it will always be in the back of my mind.

I can't seem to find any kind of studies on thyca patients with a recent history of new depression. Though I do see that lots of us wind up dealing with depression after having cancer and the treatments that go along with it.

Sidenote: Tomorrow is Roo's 2nd birthday and I have granted myself a day pass. It will be a cancer free day. Nothing but hugs and cuddles and playing, with a side of birthday cake and ice cream. Did I mention hugs, and cuddles??? We all need a break and this is the perfect reason to take one.

How about a little fun...

2010-02-09T07:13:00.001-05:00

I am an avid watcher of The Big Bang Theory, with my favorite character being the quirky, offbeat scientist Sheldon Cooper (portrayed by Jim Parsons). I always knew he rocked but this just made him so much cooler in my eyes. He's obviously willing to do what he can to Stand Up 2 Cancer (SU2C)

First scroll to the bottom to shut off my playlist then, turn up your speakers (if they are't already up)

Then, check it out:

BAZINGA!

Sleep... Why do you elude me?

2010-02-08T05:54:00.002-05:00

I have blogged before in the middle of the night explaining that I can't sleep but it's goes so much deeper than that. Sure I have valid readons more often than not. Like; Hubby snoring, Aussie coughing, Roo waking through the night, myself being over tired or unable to stop the thoughts from coming.

But now I know those things are only part of it. I think I am broken... and I don't know how to fix myself. After receiving an email from a concerned friend about my (too frequent) middle of the night posts both here and on facebook she has concluded that I am now officially entering the sadness portion of the "emotional stages". I laugh at the emotional stages because I don't feel like I fit into that cookie cutter list of stages. I bounce up and down those steps feeling like I'll never reach the one I want, the one where I am better and this nightmare is over and I can move on, collecting all the broken pieces of my life as I go. Can I order crazy glue in bulk? Perhaps I should hit up Costco in preperation for that step.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to the 1st track in my playlist (didn't know I had one here, turn up your speakers.)

I need some sleep

It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss

Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning 'round

Everyone says I'm getting' down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

For the record, I know what I am feeling is a phase, the Coleen formerly known as the class clown will return so please bear with me while she`s on hiatus. In the mean time I check my smile in the mirror, yup, still looks convincing... Time to start my day.

Side Effects and other issues...

2010-02-06T01:52:00.004-05:00

Someone commented recently that they were shocked just how many "things" come up after treatment. So it got me to thinking about all the things I've had to deal with becaue of cancer. Just wanted to share the list with you all. These are only the physical issues though there are many other things damaged by this disease. When I am ready I may post about them. But for now I prefer to leave my head firmly planted in ~~my ass...~~ err... the sand.

********************************************************************
Exhaustion AND Inability to sleep- Shouldn't I sleep if I am tired? Nope...apparently for me it doesn't work that way any more. The proof is in the ~~pudding~~ time stamp of this post, go look!

Exacerbated depression- I had PPD and PPA before having my thyroid out. Since your thyroid directly effects your mood, this has been a muc worse problem for me.

Inability to maintain core body temp- Cold ALL the time. My constant complaints have resulted in gifts! A Snuggie form my sis Shannon, a heating blaket from my husband Chris, and chenille socks from Jen!

Syncope- I faint at random with a sudden increase in stress levels. See this post for the full experience.

Vocal Chord shock- Happened after my Total Thyroidectomy and caused a limited and very harsh raspy voice for a couple of months. I used to have the voice of an angel prior to this.... ok that might be a lie, but it was much better before the surgery and I still have trouble whispering/yelling/singing.

Loss of 3 out of 4 parathyroids.- These bad boys are what makes me take 10 ~~horse~~ calcium pills each day

Neuropathy at the incision site- This causes me to have random electrical/shock like pains in all the areas where I have no feeling (the entire right side of my head and upper chest back)

Radiation induced Pleuricy- water AROUND my lungs caused me to have severe discomfort in my chest when breathing deeply.

Confusion- I don't understand... literally.

Lack of concentration- hmmm.... what was I saying? Where was I?

Altered taste- Though the fashion police have accused me of this before, this meant that my tastebuds didn't pick up much. I had very little ability to taste for over a month. I could mostly tasted a sour metalic taste but not much else. Food sucked!
************************************************************************

So if you are a cancer patient, what were your side effects?

Blog Spotlight - The Adventures of Baldylocks

2010-02-05T09:06:00.001-05:00

Today my Spotlight is on Baldylocks

For those who many not know who she is (I didn't until a few weeks ago-she inspired me to make my blog public), BaldyLocks is a cancer survivor, and a fellow Canadian at that! No, her battle was not with Thyroid Cancer. Her battle is with AML- a form of leukemia, (but we won't hold that against her!). While our types of cancers are different many of us feel the same fears, and have the same struggles and stresses in our lives. I saw her on "The Stupid Cancer Show" and much of what she says echos how I feel, proving that all cancer patients have comonalities regardless of the diagnosis. Like her I now feel I have the right to say F*ck when it suits me. I have read many of her posts and she is very "real" and very open with her feelings about her life, career, and parenting and the impact cancer has had on all three. Simply put this chick rocks.

When you are done checking out her video, you should give her some bloggy lovin' over at : The Adventures of Baldylocks

Baldylocks is now added to my Blog Roll

Makeover

2010-02-04T12:24:00.000-05:00

Since I have made the blog public I decided to pretty it up a bit. Gone is the basic blog templace replaced with a simple one that is a bit more attractive. The look is not the main focus here but I did want to make it mine in a more visual way.

Hope you like it

Going Public.

2010-02-03T23:27:00.000-05:00

Feb 3rd 2010 I decided to go public with this blog. It took me a long time to be able to open it up, but there aren`t many blogs out there that details life with Thyroid Cancer so I figured I would just suck it up and put it out there. Not sure people will want to read it but my goal is mostly to help someone else who`s searching for other people like them.

When I was looking online for people who`ve been throug this I found a support group but it was confusing at first and I was looking for stories and not a forum. Though the forum has helped me greatly, I was hoping to find bloggers who lay it all on the line in terms of emotions and family stuff as well as the medical stuff.

Because I wrote this to myself and had not intened to make it open access, it may read funny (funny strange, not funny haha), so just keep that in mind if you happen to find yourself here. It will also be a bit raw in places as I won`t go back and edit to pretty it up for readers.

Click here to start at the begining of my battle with cancer

Accident

2010-01-29T16:17:00.000-05:00

I was diagnosed a while ago with stress induced syncope. Basically it means that when I experience a sudden onset of extra stress, my blood pressure drops extremely low causing me to blackout. It's happened a few times but never this bad. I was able to hide this from my extended family though Chris and a few people very close to me knew. I chose not to add this extra stress to the people I don't see daily. Why add more stress regarding my health. I was hoping I could get a handle on it but clearly I can't.

On Tuesday I had an accident. Chris's carpool ride didn't show up so he came back home needing a ride, but I had 20 minutes to get dress, dress the kids and drive him to work to be on time. I did feel really stressed by the rush and my anxiety kicked in. I went about my business getting everything done and Chris to go warm the car so it would run properly (it stalls out if you drive it cold- and it was COLD!) I headed for the kitchen to ensure Aussie had picked up his lunch, I felt "off" for a second and got tunnel vision then went down.

Aussie wittnessed it which I feel horrible about. I scared the life out of him. Since he knew nothing of my fainting he thought I died. That's what having a mom with cancer does. He ran down to get his dad and 911 was called. Aussie explained to them that I started talking funny and just fell. Smashing my head on the stove on the way down.

Once at the hospital we realized that I had went down to my knee first because it was ballooned up and intensely sore, as was my back.

Turns out I wound up with a mild concussion, I tore ligaments in my knee, and jarred my back a bit. They sent me home on crutches and with a few more prescriptions to add to the huge pile I already have.

Another side effect of this incedent is that my parents have been here "baby sitting" me for the past few days. I am hoping today is the last day of this. My parents are divorced and both have quirks that can be difficult, but the two of them don't particularly enjoy being in the same room together. They only do it on special occassions. holidays and such were normal in the past, but since I got sick we have added surgeries etc to the list. So being with them in the same room together for 9 hours a day this week has been.... ehem... interesting.

Dad has been doing all the chauferring that I normall do to get everyone to work/school, Mom has been keeping on top of my housework etc. And together they've run errands and groceries for me and acted as babysitters for me. It seems I am no longer trusted to be alone. I hope all this nonsense ends soon.

In order for them to hand my freedom back next week I have had to promise to keep a phone on me at all times, and to always answer it when someone calls. Right now my mom is starring at me in a way that says I am about to be told to take a nap.... I won't argue.

Enough already..

2010-01-25T05:59:00.001-05:00

Fuck I hate cancer. Just needed to get that out. It's the middle of the damned night and I should be sound alseep but no... not me, my brain is for some reason working a mile a minute. It just occurred to me that I really might die from this. Sure thyroid cancer is known to be higly treatable, but everyone I know who's had this had one little surgery and most didn't even have to do radiation. So if after 2 surgeries and radiation treatment why do I still have it.

Everyone tells me to be positive, yeah well try my life on for size then tell me how I stay positive day after day. Walking around with a big stupid fake smile on my face, making everyone else feel like everything's gonna be ok. Maybe it's not.

So my brain keeps going back to the fact that we have nothing in place in case I DO DIE. What then?

I need to plan.... but what do they all do if I die, what do I want them to know if I die.

I scarred shitless that this ugly, horrific illness will not just ruin my family (as it's doing already) but also rob my family of me. Not that I am great or anything but I am trying to do my best for everyone. My daughter needs me to continue helping her to grow into the beautiful soul I she she can be. I have had some hand in the amazing man Aussie is becoming, and I want that for Roo.

I want to be here to see, first loves, graduations, weddings, children, grandchildren. Hell, I just wanna be here to make them breakfast. BREAKFAST.... is that really too much to ask for? To be here for every tomorrow to make them breakfast? A task that I always hated doing, I HATED morning routine... WHY? It's beautiful, it's chaotic and perfect. But I didn't see it. I didn't appreciate it. Well GOD I see it now so fuck off and let me have my life back!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyone is alseep so now I can safely cry without causing worry. Then I'll write my kids the letters I've been avoiding. The letters of the things I want them to know after I am gone, and begin putting a box together of things for when I am gone....

I have had enough.

BAD days..

2010-01-22T12:09:00.000-05:00

I spent the better part of the last 2 days hiding from my family, friends anything social. So basically the world in general. I stayed in bed and it forced my hubby to have to jump in and take over everything that I normally do. I feel badly about that now, but I needed to allow myself a bit of time to let the news absorb. I am still not dealing well with it and I am now taking more ativan than I have ever needed in the past. I just feel my ability to be positive and cope well is slipping away. I know it will come back, I just don't know how to get it back...

Why Me? Why is my family having to deal with this, and why do I always get bad news. I don't feel I deserve this nor does my family. How did I get it and what did I do that could have been a cause/trigger? Why can't it just be over already one way or another. I am tired of the fight.

But at least I am out of bed now, I guess that's a good thing.

Prayers need to be specific

2010-01-19T18:55:00.000-05:00

I got the results today... I did get good the news that I prayed for, but it was topped with bad news.

THE GOOD NEWS: The cancer has not spread to my bones or blood. Thank God. I am relieved about that. this is the best news in terms of progression of the disease.

THE BAD NEWS: My thyroglobulin level was off the charts. This means I still have too much cancer in my neck and that the cancer is extremely aggressive and resistant to the radiation. Now I start prep'ing for radiation all over again... My schedule is now as follows:

Feb 21st start low iodine diet for 10 days,
March 1st and 2nd two more doses of Thyrogen
March 3rd Arrive at the Hospital at noon for a small dose of radiation (like super small, just enough for an uptake to help the body scan to be read) 4mci is the dose for this appt (when I was in for radiation it was 200mci) Then I have limited contact with the kids for 2-3 days only.
March 5th Whole body scan to determine how much cancer has been killed since the last scan.

Then I get a small break until:
March 28th start low iodine diet again for 10 days.
April 7th and 8th Thyrogen shots AGAIN (as long as our benefits will cover it it twice in a calendar year) The alternative is I stop taking my meds for 4 weeks to force my body to go hypo. Not nice.
April 9th back into the hospital for 3-4 days for 2nd treatment of radiation.

I just don't know how to react. I am devastated. I was so sure I was going to get a clean scan and be able to start getting back to our old lives. I am going to going lay down, My head is splitting and the computer has made it worse.

D-Day is tomorrow

2010-01-19T01:12:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I get the results of the whole body scan. I can't help but feel really good about it. I am, after all, feeling relatively good recently. I feel really good actually, better than I have felt in a while. My friends and family are all cheering me on and they also feel like it HAS to be good news!

So I will go to sleep tonight and say yet another prayer for some good news.

Night night world.... Here's to hoping that tomorrow is the begining of the end of this nightmare.

Sick & waiting...

2010-01-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

I feel like a bus hit me, I am more exhausted than I was before and I hate the change in my taste buds. One of the possible side effects from radiation is altered taste. I taste a kind of bitter, chemical taste. There is next to no flavor being picked up, so eatting is a lousy. That might be a good thing...? At least I didn't suffer with the dreaded dry mouth they warn of. Many people wind up with damaged saliva ducts as result of this radiation. It's why they tell us to constantly eat sour candies while we are radioactive. It forcesthe ducts to keep working. My mouth now gets dry, but mostly I notice it when I wake in the morning, but the daytime is fine.

Now I am just hoping my taste buds resume there original duties soon. I wanna be able to taste properly again!!!

I am also still waiting on news of my scan results.

Whole body scan

2009-12-24T23:07:00.000-05:00

I had my scan today and it was reletively uneventful. Aside from the fact that it was really quiet at the hospital (being Christmas Eve and all!), I had no lines and no wait. It took over an hour but I should have the results soon.

More waiting (which if you don't know me- I detest more than anything)

Radiation - Round One

2009-12-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

Friday I went in for my RAI (radiation) treatment. Once the Nuclear Medicine came, my family was asked to leave. I was given a pile of garbage bags and some signs that I would use as a makeshift sorting system for discarding waste in a safe manner. She quickly explained to me how to use the system. She explained theat I might feel quite ill, but encouraged me NOT to throw up if I could avoid it. Vomiting would result in a top up dose of radiation. Then I was brought a cast iron pot containing radioactive pills to swallow. My dose was 200mci (relatively high). As soon as I swallowed it they left, sealing me in my room alone for the duration of my isolation. Mostly I felt very ill as I was warned. I tried to sleep through it as much as I could.

My meals consisted of:

Roast Beef slices, a fruit (only apples or bananas)rice cakes, horrible fruity juices, and black coffee.

This was what was brought to me for 3 meals a day for al lthe days I was there. After it was actually brought to me for BREAKFAST of day two I started declining the meal trays with one exception, the fruit. Fruit was the only thing I could stomach and only small bites of them. I now have a huge aversion to roast beef.

My room was like a fishbowl. People were constantly looking in at me to see what my room was on lockdown with radioactivity signs plastered to the window. My view was of the hospitals bleak roof, not a person could be seen from it. That was hard because I am, by nature, a people watcher.

WHile I asked for friends and family to call me to keep me from getting lonely, I didn't hear from many of the people I expected to hear from and that was disappointing, but the people who did call were willing to spend lots of time talking with me and encouraging me to stay positive.

I watched TV and read a bit, but I lacked the focus to commit to anything that require real attention. In an effort to ensure my release from the hospital ASAP I really stuck with drinking the water and eating the sour candies. Monday morning the Nuc Med team came back and took my readings- finally I was good to go home.

It was a horrible experience and I pray I don't have to do it again.

My Christmas spirit is still MIA......

Today Part 2 - Look Good Feel Better

2009-12-01T02:56:00.000-05:00

Once Jen and I we done with the appointment at PMH it was getting late and I still had to get to Wellspring to meet up with Shanny for the Look Good Feel Better workshop I was enrolled in. We stopped so I could treat her to a quick bite, then we were on the road again!

I met Shanny at Wellspring and we got started with the workshop. There were women of all ages and colours at the works shops and while breast cancer was prevelent among us there was an aray of cancers within the group. I was the youngest and the oldest lady was 68. We were all there to learn how we can look our best while going through cancer treatments, many women had no hair and were learning about caring for and wearing wigs. Some of us had major skin/hair changes since starting treatments, and I was the only one with a visable scar, though some had scarscovered by clothing.

My franken thoat was unique among the group because I was the only one battling thyroid cancer. I felt inferior even amoung people like me. Why? Because there is still this stupid stereotype that thyroid cancer is "the good kind". 2 women said that to me tonight. I always politely respond by saying "well in my opinion here is no "good kind" of cancer", then I just leave it at that. It seems to do the job.

We each got a big box full of cosmetics, lotions, cleansers, toners, and much more. They explained the changes in our skin and went further to explain the types of products to avoid based on our specific type of treatment.

Very informative, and fun. Best of all I walk out of there looking (and feeling) like $1 000 000.00

If any readers have or know someone with cancer please tell them about his program, it's FREE!

Today Part 1 - PMH

2009-12-01T02:34:00.000-05:00

Today was a very very long day. It began with Jen picking me up, and off we went to PRincess Magaret for my long awauted appointment with my new oncologist.

There was very little wait and we were in the office to see Dr. Brierley. Actually we never did see HIM. We did however see his team which began with a lovely french Dr (can't remember her name now) and She talked with us (me mostly) and collected some info, then the rest of the team came in, including Dr. Tsang who it seems will be in charge of my "case". The appointment was much like you see on the show "House". Where you see the team, but rarely have contact with the Doc at the top. Although they did reasure me he reads allthe info and makes the final decision based on his teams info.

Dr.s Tsang was really confident that I should proceed with my RAI that is already scheduled at OTMH, no need to push it back just to do it at PMH. (Drat..) ANyway, he was also very confident that while clearly I need a new surgical oncologist, my endo is right on track. Good news on both counts. If I require more surgery he'll refer me to a surgical oncologist that is part of the Brierley team.

Oh, and as for that pesky second type of cancer I have been stressing out over and hounding my Surgeon about? Well turns out it was never a "second kind of cancer". The confusion stemmed from a term that the pathologist used. "Adenocarcinoma" they generally don't use that term, and even PMH had to question it, but basically he wxplained that it means cancer originating in a gland. I was feeling skeptical and I think he could sense that, so he went on to further explain that because it confused them too they had the pathologist at PMH (one of the world's leading pathologists I might add!) request to view the actual slides containing my original cells for a second opinion. She agrees no second cancer was found.

All the worry for nothing. Jen and I were elated. It was terrific news, although it just reafirmed my distrust in my surgeon. She's fired....

They finished off my appointment by telling me things were looking good and they expect the RAI to do what it needs to to finish off this cancer for good, and have the first of many clean scans.

Hoping to be cancer free by this time next year!!! Whoo Hoo!

Angry...

2009-11-21T13:16:00.000-05:00

Pissed off actually... My Dr seems to be avoiding me. Radiation is fast approching and I keep getting either blown off or the run around. NOW they won't even call me back. I think it's time I call the ombudsman to discuss my options. Surely she should know more about this new kind of cancer right? At least I have an appointment coming up a PMH- THEY will be able to tell me what it is...

Cancer's Shockwave

2009-11-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

I can't help but notice my life is changing. I can't say it's for the better or for the worse since I am not at the end of this journey yet. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it, but a huge circle of people around them. Cancer has a huge shockwave that begins with the person diagnosed being "ground zero".

*My family and close friends live with a tremendouns amount of fear and worry in their hearts and minds. I know this to be true. I see it in their eyes and sometime even hear it in their words. Though they try to be strong for me I know they have moments where they think I might die. I have thought of this often and it makes me so sad. A good friend of mine (Jen) told me one evening over coffee with the girls that it NEVER entered her mind that I might die. Those words from anyone else would seem like a lie. Part of an agenda to make me feel better. However, from her those words resonate sincerity. I know she's been through dealing with cancer with another friend she is still close with. It might be selfish to say but I trust her implicitly to be honest with me at all times and I feel like she's in it for the lang haul with me. I am grateful for that. I have many people for which to be grateful. Though cancer is a hard thing to deal with and for many it's just too much and so those people gently fade away. I am contrantly reminded of the poem "A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime".My social circle rallied around me right from the begining. Back then when I first told my girlfriends I was sick I noticed that there were people who stood up and started planning, and got very involved, and other who were more understated and reserved. Clearly they were listening, taking it all in and staying in the background of those who were the ones jumping up to take action. I was sad by this in the begining but I now realize that for the most part (not 100%) the louder voices have drifted away having done their grand act and provided what they needed to. While those who quietly observed are now the ones who are here for me always, doing the more mundane things like show up when I get bacd news with nothing more than, a hug, an ear and a voice of reason. Or they take me to appointments, watch my kids of do my dishes when I am weak. The simple things in life that are hard to keep up with. Some people send a perfectly timed note/email/flowers etc, to either remind me they are still here or to ensure I am ok.

No matter the circumstance I know that I can't be hurt when someone chooses to fade away. It is of couse a natual thing that happens in our lifes.

Aussie is old enough to know when things aren't "quite right" and Roo is so intune with how the dynamics of the family are. When theres a change it's reflected in her as well.

Aussie has had to grow up quite a bit since this all began. He's taken on many tasks that childern shouldn't have to take on. He is much more active with his sister. Playing with her when he sees the exhaustion in my face. Not even asking, just looking at me and knowing I am beat. He is much more in tune with me, in terms of how I am feeling. He senses when I am lying about how I feel, and jumps in to do what he can. He still won't clean his room, but as long as he doesn't mind living in their then I leave it alone. My only rule is: no food, no dished, no garbage and make sure laundry is in the laundry room on laundry day. He lost a summer, very little playing outside, or hanging with friends. His time was spent home, helping with his sister and I. For that my heart breaks. I feel I stole that time away from him.

Hubby and I had to make the tough decision to put Roo in daycare. Once Aussie was back in school we quickly realized that I didn't have the health/stamina to deal with her never ending toddle energy and be able to afford myself some time to rest and focus on fighting this disease. It wasa bittersweet decision for me. On one hand I was able to rest knowing she was in great hands. I see now that she is learning and developing by leaps and bounds more than she was at home (hard for me to admit), and on the other hand I miss her so much it hurts me. Everyday I miss her sweet face and crazy energy. Deep down it was the right thing to do until I am either better or at least finished with active treatment, which I am hoping for in the new year.

I never understood the great impact cancer has until having it myself. It pains me that the impact is as wide as it is, and not a day goes by without me feeling the guilt of being at the centre of it all.

2nd scar

2009-11-02T12:17:00.000-05:00

This is a photo of the scar from my neck disection surgery. I had to wait a while to post one because it looked horrible in the begining. Now it's not so bad, but it's had 2 months to heal.

It was a much more invasive surgery and it's taking me a lot more time to heal. This was much worse than the last surgery.

Mistake with a ripple effect

2009-10-16T17:36:00.000-04:00

I got the results of my CT scan and it looked clean which is great news. But I also found out that they had used something called "contrast" which contains iodine. I have been on a low iodine diet for a while now getting ready for radiation which is Oct 23rd. So now I get a call telling me they need to push back the radiation. They will call me to let me know when it will be but I am livid. One mistake and now my treatment is delayed by 2 months.

CT Scan

2009-10-13T17:32:00.000-04:00

I had a CT scan, requested by my Dr to see if there had been metastasis in the head, neck, and uper torso area. I was happy to be learning something since I Won't have a whole body scan for a while. I went in for the CT and had to drink buckets of this nasty chalky mixture then I got hooked up to an IV and in I went the scan was pretty simple and then it was over. Now I wait for the results of that. I imagine I'll have the results before I go iin for Radiation on the 23rd.

Livestrong

2009-10-06T15:48:00.000-04:00

This was given to me today. I shared it on a site I belong to and then realized I should make sure it's here too.

LIVESTRONG

I heard the news today.
It came out of nowhere.
I wish I could run away,
but where would I go?
Is this my destiny?
Something so unfair...
What will become of me?
God only knows.

And they say the road to heaven might lead us back through hell.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow,
we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die,
so we LIVESTRONG.
My pride is left for dead,
as my world gets shaken.
The thoughts inside my head
are so hard to control.
I am staring down the unknown,
but one thing is certain.
You could break my body,
but you will never break my soul.
And they say the road to heaven might leads us back through hell,
but we're holding on for more than stories to tell.
Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow,
we will win this fight and bury this sorrow.
We're so alive, still holding on, not ready to die,
so we LIVESTRONG

Pathology results

2009-09-30T23:14:00.000-04:00

Well I got the pathology results from my 2dn surgery. They removed 81 lymph nodes in total. I was originally told a lesser number (Did you know we have thousands in our body? Who knew?) and found cancerous ones of course and some that were clean, but 8 of them tested positive for a completely unrelated cancer. My surgeon has never had a patient with this kind of cancer so she was unsure what the next step will be. My radiation is on Oct 23rd but she has to speak with her colleagues to see if that will remain or if I will need to start chemo instead. So basically I left with more questions than I had to begin with. The new cancer is metastatic adenocarcinoma (not even a thyroid cancer). She said all she knows is that that kind generally presents inthe ovaries/lung/colon/brain, but has no further specifics on it. I think I am going to have to do some research on my own and see if this has happened to anyone else? But now I am just unsure of what to do. I guess I just wait to hear back from her about what it all means and what is next for me.

Dr. Appt

2009-09-30T16:24:00.000-04:00

At 4:45 I have my appointment to get the pathology from my last surgery. I am really scared because every time I see this Dr. She gives me bad news... Hopingt he day will pass quickly...

Pathology results are in

2009-09-25T12:56:00.000-04:00

I finally got a call back about my pathology and they've scheduled me in for an appointment next week Sept 30th. Why it took this long baffles me but once again, I wait....

Post Op - Part Deux

2009-09-04T13:42:00.000-04:00

On Fri Aug 28th I went in for my second surgery. While I knew that it would be a much more invasive surgery (radical neck disection) I wouldn`t have been able to understand how much harder this surgery would really be compared to the last. The last one wasn`t a walk in the park either but at least I bounced back quickly afterward and got to go home early for lack of compications.

This time was a totally different situation. I arrived at the hospital at 6am to get in and prepared for surgery. They began the surgery at 8am with plans to be finished by 2:30-3:00pm. This time came and went by hours for my family and with mine being the only surgery still in progress the waiting room was empty of families and staff. Finally after a couple of hours at 5:30 a Dr. came to speak to them to let them know that I was still in surgery and that it was taking longer than expected, I`d be another 1.5 hours. Around 7:00 my surgeon came to speak to them. She said the surgery although long was good and that they had to remove alot more cancer than they anticipated. It seems they had 18 lymph nodes marked for possible removal, and wound up taking 81+ lymphnodes along with cancerous soft tissue. She commented that she had gone very low into my upper breast and was still finding cancer. Obviously this means the spreading may be more widespread than we were hoping to find. Just before 7:30 my family was finally able to see me. I was in the ICU to be monitored overnight.

Overnight turned into 4 days due to complications. I wound up having an extreme drop in calcium, this is very dangerous in the levels I was showing and can cause heart attacks even death (who knew? I'll drink milk now I swear!). This Leads my surgeon to believe she has taken most if not all of my parathyroids during the course of the surgery. They look like lymphnodes and can be mistaken for them. On the second night my breathing failed and I had to have emergency measures to fix my breathing and subsequently my blood oxygen levels. The ICU was the best spot I could have been when that happened, they got to me fast and by morning I was doing well. Though my Magneseum went low as well after the 3rd day it was not as dangerous as the calcium problems.

On day 4 I was stablized enough to move out of the ICU this was GREAT NEWS! Finally after a really rough surgery and slow start to recovery I was released! I am happy to be home. I feel sick alot mostly because of this amount of medications I am on, and I am very very tired . But nothing beats being home with my family. Now I have to recover enough to be able to get through radiation. So far that is the next step, unless she decides to do some sort of scan in between to look at the rest of my body. So I will try to look forward to having a bit of a break (mental and physical) over the next few weeks. I will hug my hubby kids and tell them over and over how I feel about them. Never again will I take one day for granted. I am thankful to have made it this far, and I will continue to visualize crossing the finish line. NOTHING is more important to me than hearing the word "remission".

Now I wait and recover, next step is radiation... Yuck!

My Unquiet Brain...

2009-08-25T17:48:00.000-04:00

That's how I feel. The thoughts are never ending now. One day things are normal, the next you are told you have cancer, and then nothing is the same. After having my thyroid surgery I feel horrible. I know the meds are still being monitored so I can find the "right dose", in the mean time I feel sad, and tired all the time. My days are filled with appointment after appointment (for the past 10 business days I have had 9 appointments and 7 that that relate to my current health (or lack of). I wasn't able to attend my family reunion this year and have had to "flake out" on several commitments because all this came up. Of course people understand, but it still upsets me.

I am a planner. I deal with things by planning ahead. That has been taken away from me for the time being. As have many other things. All I can do is live one day at a time (sounds cheesy, but it's true) I can't even plan a week ahead anymore. My friends and family are totally great about it, but I am not. I will be missing Austin's first days of school this year (will be in the hospital still). I will be missing Halloween with them too due to radiation.

The closer I get to my second surgery the more scared I am. This one is more scary and I am more scared. I put a smile on my face and deal with it, but the reality is I am tired of it. I wish it was over, I hate having to tell myself to cheer up and put on a brave face. The fact is I am mad, actually I am furious that this has happened and that it happened to me. It's making life hard, it's making me feel like a bad parent, I am not up to doing as much as before. I am lucky to get out for a walk with Ruari- she by the way has changed so much in these last 6 weeks. I can't help but find happiness in her and Austin too. He has grown up, been forced to step up and help when he should be hanging out with his friends for the summer, he's here helping me so Chris doesn't have to miss any more time from work than needed. After looking at the schedule of past and upcoming procedures he will have taken at minimum 4 weeks, not counting appointments that I need him to be at with me. I feel like I am putting his job in jeopardy.

Basically I feel like my life is on hold while I do my best to keep fighting to have a life at all.

People keep asking me if I am worried about dying and I throw facts at them well the number look fairly good for me... but I try not to think about the real possibility of dying, because let's face it I could get hit by a truck tomorrow. Everyone is going to die but I prefer not to think about it. Even when my mind goes there I post it more like what if I don't live. I can't say "what if I die?" .. (oh damn, I went and did it....) Even if my conscious mind rarely strays there, my subconscious mind is happy to do it for me. The other night I had this amazing dream. It was like a 3rd party dream, I was observing my life in a way. It was Ruari's wedding day and I was sitting in the room looking at her getting ready and talking about being proud of her. She kept saying thanks for everything Mom, and I was proud. I felt that feeling... Then my hubby Chris comes to the door and he tells us that it's time to go like as in walk down the isle) I get up to go to Ruari and I mumble some things to her then Chris says your delaying her Becky. I turn around to walk to Chris and it wasn't even me.... Chris says to Ruari I wish your mom was here to see you! and kisses her. The whole time I thought it was me i nthe dream because although I couldn't see myself I could hear my voice, and she kept saying mom. I woke up really upset realizing that I can't escape the thoughts that Life would still go on, and that while I would want that for my family, I also want it to be me at her wedding and NOT some chick named Becky... (sorry to any Becky's out there!) If I want it to be me I had better do everything I can to fight it. So now that I have put this out there I am going to stay committed to being positive. Telling myself I WILL live...and actually believe it..

2 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 16 until surgery #2

Thanks for letting me unload my thoughts. I actually feel a little bit better.

My scar

2009-08-22T00:00:00.000-04:00

I was too chicken to post the gross ones from right after surgery but here is the scar from my Total Thyroidectomy at one month post-op. I took this today

I was expecting it to be horrible and in fact it's quite perfect, and is healing ver nicely. Once it fades I think it will be unnoticable to most people, as it sits perfectly in my natural crease.

Bad news

2009-08-16T20:11:00.000-04:00

This week I had a pretty bad blow with some news from my Dr's. It seems the cancer has spread. They know it is in my lymphatic system on the right side, but a recent ultrasound shows it may also have moved to the left side. They have once again scheduled me for a rush surgery. The surgery is less than 2 weeks away. Aug 28th. THis week I have a pretty invasive biopsy appt. I will be having a bunch of lymph nodes biopsied so the surgeon can have a better idea of what she's dealing with. I have some blood work being done to see how my body is handling missing a thyroid, and a CT scan to get better images of everything.

I was also scheduled for radiation on Oct 23rd. With the cancer being in my lymph nodes it's become manadatory that I do it. I will be in the hospital for 4-6 days (depending on how quickly my body can get rid of the radiation- most people are only 4 days). Once I have been discharged I have to stay anywhere but my own home. The slight bit of leftover radiation in my body poses a risk to my kids, mostly my daughter, Ruari as her organs are still developing and the radiation can cause problems.

It will likely be Mid December before they can do a full body scan to see if it has spread elsewhere.

I really thought this would be much easier and much faster but now I understand why cancer is so horrible...

My heart is breaking for my son because he has had a pretty lousy summer and now I will be in the hospital the last weekend before school and his first few days. I can't believe I will miss this day. I have always been with him on the first day of school to make a special breakfast and drive him to school.

I really hate this...

New name

2009-08-15T21:10:00.000-04:00

I need a name change for this blog, not that anyone's reading. For me Might Be Cancer isn't the case anymore, and when I was think about what to rename my blog one thing resonates in my mind. The number of people who told me that Thyroid Cancer is "the good kind" sickens me. Even good friends and family members have slapped me in the face with that comment.

I am glad no ones reading this blog there would be a lot of hurt feeling for being called on using that stupid phrase. It's NOT the good kind so fuck off.... (pardon me for that but I get very very angry, it's my hot button issue)

So now my new name is: It's Not the Good Kind.

Post Op

2009-07-31T12:03:00.000-04:00

My surgery went very well. It seems I did really well through the surgery (Despite my larger than normal windpipe! Yeah, those are my surgeons words...)

I had none of the complications that are expected. I did my best to get up and back to normal as soon as possible. I was doing so well I was released from the hospital a day/two earlier than expected. Yay!

Recovery also has been quite good. In fact I felt pretty fantastic the first week. Not too much pain and my energy level was fairly normal. Now that my body has lost all the natural thyroid hormones (T4 & T3) I am feeling pretty wiped out. Bordering on exhaustion. My Dr said this is to be expected while they are trying to figure out my dosage of the synthetic hromones I am on now (Synthroid). I am trying to rest when I can (lol) once my family and I are moved and settled this will be much easier.

Friends have been by to see me both in the hospital and sicne getting home. Everyone has been so supportive, but a handful of close friends have really stepped up. The flowers and cards have been pouring in, and I am thankful for being so blessed by wonderful people.

I got some of the pathology back from my surgeon. Rather than just having the 2 known tumours in my thyroid I actually had five. 3 were quite small still and the other 2 were really big. The largest being around 5cms. No wonder I was having trouble swallowing and the feeling of something always in my throat! She feels fairly confident that even though there was some small amount of metastasis, she has got all the cancer out. She is still urging me to go through with radiation as she feels it is the safest option to ensure ALL the cancer is irradicated. After the research I have done I am leaning toward not dong it. If she's confident it's all out and my body scan doesn't detect any I don't see the point. Sure it will kill any undetected cancer, but it will also bring my chances of developing breast cancer to higher levels. I am not sure it's worth it to put myself at risk of a secondary cancer. I haven't decided fully and basically it's up to the oncologist to decide. I am just really having a hard time with it all now.

At the moment I am waiting to see the endocronologist, and my oncologist before I know what will happen next.

SO until those appointments I am trying to keep an open mind.

13 hours, 1 minute and 22 seconds...

2009-07-20T00:57:00.001-04:00

...until my surgery. If it wasn't for my close friends I would have fallen completely apart by now. I packed my hospital bag a while ago and it was really painful... Reminded me of the last time I packed a hospital bag when I was pregnant with Ruari. It was a really happy time with so much to look forward to. I had no idea that a year later I would be faced with the biggest battle I could imagine. Cancer.

Never in a million years would I have seen this coming. A heart attack maybe (lol), but not cancer.

I know the surgery is only the first step in a lengthy proccess to rid myself of this illness, but it seems like the scariest part for me.

Even though I know it's irrational, I can't rid myself of the fact that I could die. From the surgery or the cancer. I know what you're thinking... stay positive, you can do it! It's hard at times. Tonight I sat down to write letters to my kids. I call them "just-in-case letters. Beyond that I have tried to stay really positive and "normal" during the whole thing.

Once I am home from surgery and things have settled down, I will post an update with how the surgery went and how I am doing.

I think I feel something finally.

2009-07-09T21:55:00.000-04:00

It's been 8 days, 13 hours, 47 minutes and 8 seconds since I was told I have cancer. The big "C" is worst sickness imaginable, yet I felt/feel fine. Other than a lump, I have no really symptoms. Since that time I have been in a fog... a light blanket of it but none then less a fog. It keeps me protected from the reality I should be facing. I have heard so many things since that moment about how I should feel. People look at me with a sort of sadness now. My family worries this is "the last straw" for me... you know the one that's finally gonna break my back. True, I have had a horrible year. I am the first to admit that, but someone keeps telling me God won't dish out more than He thinks I am capable of handling. So I cling to that knowing I have so much to fight for, that last of which is myself. In my mind the priority has been everything else. I have to keep going for my kids, my husband, my parents, my sister, aunts,uncles,cousins,etc. So I have really felt NOTHING. Not sad, scared, angry, denial, acceptance, hopeless. Litterally nothing. So yesterday I visit with a friend and she suggests that I take a period of time everyday to just focus on having cancer and what it means for me and my family/friends. Last night I did that. I realized that in order to really deal with it I need to turn the focus to myself. I need to make myself the priority, despite how hard it is. So I will get counselling so that I can learn to cope it it all properly, therefore I am in a better position to help my family as well. (Note to self: must appologize to the counsellor I called an idiot for insisting on seeing me before my son.... I get it now. She needed to make sure I was coping before she could worry about talking to my son, he won't cope well if he's sees that I am not)

I waited until my family was soundly sleeping (I haven't been sleeping well so I was still up) and I went ahead and opened up the "floodgates". I thought about it and the impact it is having/will have, but nothing happened. I was disapointed. Surely if I can't feel some sort of emotion I must be broken... I gave up and decided to surf the net to kill a bit of time. I am active on a moms website in my community and I went back to read the initial post I wrote about the cancer scare (it's actually my initial blog post here, this blog is private and only for me but I just chose to post it anonymously over there) to see if anyone had any words of wisdom about how to deal with a cancer scare and I spent some time reading the replies, All the sudden I was overcome with emotion... I can not believe that so many of them were willing to share personal stories of how cancer has affected their lives. So many people just wanted to offer an encouraging word, or to share in the shock we are feeling. Supportive posts, offers of help everything in between. I have always loved this site and know the power it holds, and that we hold as a community.

Finally I was able to really think about it all and the reasons I had to fight. I think my feelings of nothing is more my version of self preservation. My family is not handling the news very well and so if I am "normal" it is easier for them to deal with. So I keep smiling and cracking jokes and enjoying my life. You may wonder why or how I can do it, but being a Mom really helps. I know I need to keep things as normal for my family as possible. But I now also knowo that I need that time in the day to just think about it dwell on it and maybe soon even cry about it, so that I can be normal for the rest of the day. I have to continue laughing and being sarcastic etc.. it's all I know. I need people around me to understand that even though I am laughing and joking I am not in denial... I really do "get it". I just need a sense of normal.

I feel nothing....

2009-07-04T03:07:00.000-04:00

I still can't cry, and people keep telling me I should be emotional. I cried a bit the other night after my family was soundly sleeping I got up, and my thoughts krept up on me, mostly about how I would be seperated from my babies when I go in for surgery, I wept for them and for how I would miss them while I am gone. I just can't seem to cry for myself and this stupid illness and the fact that I have it. I don't know what's wrong with me.... I must be broken or something. I just feel... nothing. Not angry, sad, mad, scared. Nothing... kind of dead... I went to Wellspring today and even after hearing everything that people were telling me I still feel "off". They did tell me that the begining is the easiest and eventually it will hit me hard.

I am trying to keep things normal for my friends and family. Cracking my normal jokes and being as light hearted as possible... My son is a wreck and has pretty much shut down. My husband is sticking his head in ~~his ass~~ the sand refusing to talk about it other than superficially. He will talk around it in a way but won't really say anything deep.I feel pretty alone in the battle when it comes to him. My girlfriends are AMAZING. They have alreay taken over the planning and preparing. I am in awe of how quickly they joined forces with me in this battle.

After reading all the kind words and comments about my strength I am proud to have come accross this way! Sometimes I am really strong, like when other people need me. But as soon as I need help I almost shut down.

I just wish I could cry and get it over with.

Now I need to stop wallowing and get back to packing! We move in a few weeks, and I will be post op and get sit the whole thing out.

The Big "C" (Coleen's Story Part3)

2009-07-03T23:43:00.002-04:00

I got the results of my biopsy on Tuesday night. What I expceted would be a quick 15 minute appointment telling me all was well, turned out to be an hour and a half appointment getting devastating news. I was diagnosed with Cancer. likely early stage 3 thyroid carcinoma with suspected metastasis, if you're anything like me you're probably wondering what the heck that means. It means that I have a very aggressive cancer that they know has spread locally (within the same area as it started) with a good chance it is moving fast... They won't know more until after the surgery so I am still kind of playing a waiting game.

My Dr. spoke to me about my options as I sat ther eall alone without my husband to help me with decisions. He was home with the kids. She explained that they can do a partial removal of my thyroid and hope that some can be salvaged. The down side to this is that they may have to go back in again and take out the rest later. So I elected to have her remove the entire thyroid to avoid the possibility of a second surgery.

I go for surgery to remove the cancer on July 20th and after that I will begin radiation.

When I got home from getting the results I told only my hubby and my best friend. I opted to withhold the info from my family until after the Canada Day holiday as we had some really fun family plans. I hated the thought of ruining it for everyone. So I plastered a huge smile on my face and enjoyed the day all while constantly thinking about this cancer in my body. When I did tell them it was the most blank stares I ahve ever seen. They all seems completely dumbfounded by the news.

It hasn't sunk in yet. I am still trying my best to come to grips with everything but I get the feeling everything is about to change for my family.

I CANNOT DIE, I have too many things on my plate and not enough time to worry about dying.

Can I hide from it?

2009-06-30T09:01:00.000-04:00

Today I have to go for the results and really I just want to run and hide. How do people do this? My family is nervous, I can see it, but yet they are so certain we're all worrying for no reason.

It HAS to be good news right?

I'm going to take a deep breath and get this cancer scare past me...

Will blog again once I've been for the biopsy results.

Waiting is the worst...

2009-06-29T12:17:00.000-04:00

Well it's been one week and My specialist (ENT) just called me to ask me to come in tomorrow first thing. I work tomorrow and can't do anything until after 4pm. She agreed to see me after she finishes for the day at 5:00.

So now I am even worse than before. I guess it's like "the moment of truth" for me.

I am glad I'll know either way because the unknown has been horrible, but I am still really scared of bad news.

I've been Biopsied (Coleen's Story Part 2)

2009-06-24T01:20:00.001-04:00

Since the last post I have been back to my family Dr. who sent me back in for a second set of ultrasound images. Once they had come back he sent me to a specialist in Oakville who immediately did a biopsy on the lump and found that I had two lumps. She biopsied both of them and was able to get fluid and tissue samples. The fluid freaked me out as it was black, when I questioned it she would only say it was "abnormal". She also told me that because the location was considered a "danger zone" she did tell me that it could be cancer but not too worry just yet. She said she wouldn't sugar coat it because it wouldn't help me to think everything was going to be just fine if there was a chance it wasn't. She told me it may be a couple of weeks before I head anything back regarding the results.

I have a bad feeling...

Mystery Lump (Coleen's Story Part 1)

2009-05-27T16:13:00.001-04:00

A couple of months ago I had a really bad cold and while while rubbing my sore neck/throat I found a lump in my neck. I was shocked that it was there but the Dr thought it might have been a swollen lymph node courtesy of my cold. I was told to keep my eye on it for the next few weeks and in that time if I felt any tenderness or noticed it growing or getting hard I was to go back to see him again. I had a really bad feeling about it and even though time passed with very little change I went back to my Dr. I think just to appease me I was sent for an ultrasound. I was told my Dr would touchbase with me if anything urgent came of it but that I could schedule an appointment to go over the results either way if I wanted. I didn't but was a couple of weeks later I found changes in the lump. Back I went I mentioned that the lump was now painful and hard and had actually started growing. He said that because the images from the last ultrasound were not the best that he would send me again. I went on Friday and the woman said she was sending it off to be reviewed by Radiology at Credit Valley Hopsital and that my Dr would likely have the results by the end of the next week (meaning by this coming Friday).

Well Yesterday the people who did the ultrasound called me to ensure I had heard from my GP, I said I had not, so she told me she was sending the results again via fax and that I was to call them to make an appointment with him. This really worried me. I called them and they were closed for lunch and in the afternoon I got busy, by the time I was done work and had a minute to call they had closed. I tried again today and the Dr is not in the office today but she made an appointment for me tomorrow.

Everything is rattling around in my brain and I am really worried about it all.

Despite the fact that I NEVER try to self diagnose I couldn't help looking it up. Of course I only googled it to see what other "non-scary" things it could be to reasure myself. Turns out that the most common reason for this lymph node (right supraclavicular lymph node) to be swollen are three types of cancer and not a single viral or baterial reason is presented as a common reason.

Here is just one of the sites I reviewed for information. http://tinyurl.com/q9mrtj It says:

Right supraclavicular lymph node
Location: Located on the right side in the hollow above the clavicle, just lateral to where it joins the sternum.
Lymphatic drainage: Mediastinum, lungs, esophagus
Common causes of enlargement: Lung, retroperitoneal or gastrointestinal cancer

all the other sites I looked at pretty much say the same thing. What scares me the most is that other lymph nodes give simple infections as the possible reason for swelling. But not this one.

I'm scared.